In love with another

I thought it was those words that made all the difference
How they rolled off your tongue mid-sentence
Waited my entire life for you to speak
Momentarily made my knees weak
Images of our wedding day was like a dream come true
Perfections that my mind over-drew
We were always each other’s fall back
Even after over two decades, there are things we still lack
Even still, we have yet to have the ability to let each other completely go
We are our addiction
Played out fairytale love stories like they weren’t fiction
This time around, you almost led me astray
From my current love, I contemplated walking away
Taking the risk for you and me
When you got down on bended knee
Sending my mind in doubt and confusion
But my heart had a different conclusion
I am in love with another man
And that disregards your lifetime plans
That can no longer include me and you
We have to let this go once and for all
Even if this weren’t the case, there has always been something blocking my fall
I can’t explain it, but for you my heart just won’t allow me to feel
I guess the up and downs and back and forth’s, has kept my barriers sealed
Knowing I could never recover from another heartbreak
Those risks are too great for my heart to again partake
This time you were just a little bit too late
I gave up on these years that for us no longer await
Even so, my heart is already spoken for
And my true love I can never ignore
He has me in totality like no other
So now we must permanently part ways, because I am in love with another

Yours

You got me
My whole heart has your name written all over it
Visions of you are etched within my spirit
I yearn only for you

It’s you that I crave
I bask the brightest glow within my smile
That you keep on my face
Day and night
Just the mere thought of you
Captures each moment on replay
Every second of us flood my heart
The keeper of our secrets
Confide in our souls
Merged together
Our connection in an unstoppable force
That grows in strength
With each passing second
No one else stands a chance
Attempts go unnoticed
Unfazed by any other
Because, I belong to you

Run Away

I am starting to feel feelings of love and I want to run

As far as possible in the opposite direction

Maybe a distraction or start an argument and be done

I just can't trust this passion, this longing affection

Replaying doubts and what if's for every possible scenario of what could go wrong 

Running before any sign of trouble, attempting to avoid heartbreak 

I can't imagine having to be strong

That mourning again I just can't take

But I want love more than anything else ever

I dream about it day and night

But nothing is a guarantee to last forever

It's a losing battle to even put up a fight

Because I feel everything deeper than most

I can't put my heart on the line to again be broken in shattered pieces

I just want to pack a bag and disappear to the coast

Get away until these feelings cease

But it's calling me by my name

Getting louder and louder not allowing me to rest

I can't repeat more of the same

I don't have the strength to pass this test

Mind clouded locating the easiest escape route to an unknown destination

Throwing away the keys to my heart

Raising my barriers for protection against deception

Running for me has been some form of art

And I don't know how to let anyone completely in

Vulnerability is uncomfortable and uncontrollable, avoiding at all cost

Images of the smirky grins 

As the lies my mind believed but in the end my love lost

How can I even consider putting myself out there

How could I have even allowed these feeling to grow 

How do I know he is sincere and truly cares

How do I just go with the flow

I have gotten myself in just a little too deep

And I don't know how to cope

Out of nowhere these feelings through the crevices seeped 

Now I feel like I am falling down the slipperiest slope

With no ability to grasp onto anything to pull myself out

No control over these emotions being felt

But living life without

A true love is not the hands I were dealt

I must learn how to let go of my fears and love with everything in me

I must learn to trust with all of my heart

But I don't know how to even clearly see

And I have no idea where even to start

Love Broken

The distance echoes feelings that remain unfelt
Separation of longing emotions dealt
Heart hardens with each passing moment of absence
Doubts cloud assurance
Sincerity now in question
Confessions kept in discretion
Hopes and dreams placed too high
The misread position no longer applied
No use in giving my all while your options are entertained
My heart is left bruised and stained
Time wasted, love misdirected
No resurrection after truths disconnected
Picking up the pieces and moving forward
Your attempts now being ignored
What’s left now when love restored vision
It takes more to make the best decisions
We cannot allow a distraction
And our obvious chemical reactions
Have us following with our hearts instead of our mind
When everything else is misaligned
Walking away is hard but it’s a must
To love’s unjust
Words left unspoken
Hearts left broken

My love is all I have

I don't know what it is that we are doing

Have no idea where we are going 

I just know that I can't let this go, I tried

They were real tears that my soul cried

Love was never meant to be perfect, it's not always flowers and sunsets

Life has a funny way of stepping in and won't allow your past to forget

Second guessing and doubting my gut instinct 

I over analyze and constantly rethink

What is it that he even see's in me that I can't see in myself 

My accounts are overdrawn and I am far from wealth

I have nothing to bring to the table

And at times I can be emotionally unstable

All I have to give is this love within me that is dying to be shared

To give me again without guarantee, I am more than scared 

But my heart didn't even put up a fight 

To my darkness, he is my light 

My vision is clear but it's only him that I see, I only yearn for he

I've given him hell and he still wants me

Still believes that there is a chance for us to succeed 

I have provided many opportunities for him to concede

It's obviously going to take a lot of communication and compromise

Our conflicting personalities and views will cause our previous plans to revise 

But it will allow a growth to develop and it's worth fighting for

The rewards can be so much more

Than previously imagined or even dreamed

Working together so that we are no longer fighting the current upstream 

The love inside of me has yet to be released in full capacity

But I can promise the strength of tenacity

My mind is made up and I am positive in my decision 

And I am willing to show him more than he could envision

I am now ready to give him all of me

To my heart, he has the only key

I don't know what it is that we are doing

Have no idea where we are going

But my heart didn't even put up a fight

To my darkness, he is my light

Will the past ever forgive 

Is my love enough, because its all I have to give 

 

Crumbling Barriers

I taste the lies dripping from his tongue that taste as sweet as chocolate kisses

Falling for the words sugar coated

Melting my heart with promises of the world

While never even chasing rainbows

Never even enjoying the moon

Wishing upon the falling stars

His lies were so convincing

So truthful to my aching heart

Blinded by the glare in his eyes

Fooled but the fuckery in his voice

The tones of his lies were too sweet to give me a toothache

Until the clouds cleared

And I was finally able to see

The real truth from his chocolate covered lies

That kissed my lips 

And broke my heart into a million pieces 

Now I am here picking up the pieces of my broken heart

Unsure of my own gut feeling

I was fooled into believing in him 

Now I don't know which way is up or down

Doubting myself

Not even sure how to trust another again

The barriers around my heart grow thicker

Secluded myself 

For years I ran from any possibility of vulnerability

I had stopped even the thoughts of a relationship

When all of a sudden he came out of no where

And showed such persistence 

Then he kissed me like that

Still attempting restraint

I kept my barriers intact

But each stimulating conversation drew me in closer to him 

His mind captured my attention

His touch felt like Heaven

His kisses took me on a journey 

Through roses gardens and melodies 

I never imagined letting someone else in

This close to my heart

But he just feels right

Relaxing my fears and doubt

He just makes perfect sense

The passion within his frame I can't help but feel to my core

His love radiates my being

It had been so long since I felt that these feelings 

They were hard to internalize 

I didn't know how to act

Had no idea what to do or how to not act

It scared me so I attempted to push him away

Even tried to run from him

His consistency kept pulling me back 

Because the reality was 

That I already am in love with him

As much as I tried to deny it

My heart belonged to him

So eventually I gave in

And set my pride to the side

Allowing myself to feel his love

Allowing myself to feel vulnerable 

For only his eyes to see

Submitting to allow this love to flow

Like the blood in my veins

Taking it slow

Allowing natural progression to lead the way

Allowing my barriers to crumble

Just living in this moment

I just can't get this man out of my head

My heart in his direction is continuously led

No matter what else may seem best

My soul in his hands comfortably rests 

He is in the smell of my hair

Behind the visions of my stare

My scents flavor is enhanced by the pheromones together released

The volumes of each tone has increased

In every thought that crosses my mind

Each second on the hands of time

The whispers in my ear only rings his voice

My majestic desires of choice

The sensuality of my sexual drive

It's only him that controls how my body thrives

Each tear of joy that escapes my eyes

The pleasurable moments that hear my cries

He is forever embedded into my spirit

Responsible for writing the words to my lyrics

He is the motivation behind my appeal

The holder of the secrets that I conceal

The reason that letting go can never be an option

Taking the good and bad mixing our own concoction 

Figuring out what works best for us

Because its obvious that this has reached far beyond lust

Forgetting yesterday and not focused on tomorrow

Not interested in the time in between that was on borrow

Engulfing in the presence of now 

No longer worried about the when and how

Resting assured in contentment 

Just living in this moment

Impatiently

Attached to my phone

Looking for a text or to hear the sound of his ringtone

Every second resisting the urge to call

Just to hear his voice

Debating on sending this good morning text

Deciding against

I know I have said enough

He knows where I stand

Fighting back tears

Trying to be patient

But it’s pure torture

Every moment without him

I can’t think of anything else

My heart is on the line

I put it all out there

I feel vulnerable

Not sure of what else that can be done

Knowing I need to leave it be

For the moment

Trying to distract my mind

But nothing is working

Sitting on the edge of my seat

Waiting

For him to come to me

With open arms

Allowing my love back in

I know in reality it isn’t that easy

I understand why we are at this point

But I just can’t shut off these feelings

Can’t push away this love

That has me captive

So, I will continue to wait

Ever so impatiently

I miss us

As much as I try to deny it, I love him

With every breath left in my body

From the deepest depths of my soul

I miss the way he used to kiss me with such passion

The way he held me with such care

The way our hearts connected and spoke the language of love

I miss his scent filling my air

Caressing his chest

I miss laying in his arms not having to say a word

And the unspoken being felt on every inch of our bodies 

My heart longs for what was

Wondering if we will ever find our way back

To this love that has full control of me

I miss him... I miss us

Vengeful Envy

The wind whispered secrets in my ear of truths and falsies 

Spread further than the eyes could see

Beneath so-called friendships were deceiving lies all the while smiling in my face

Sucking away the air from my personal space

Vultures hovering over each word and sentence thinking of ways to construe

Attempting to take away joys and life with untruths

Little did they know their evil intentions were recognized for exactly what they were

Resistance made the pot difficult to stir

Sticking their noses in business that they had no right to assume

Victory prevailed never taking flight to consume

Privacy no longer being private, publicity became a dark shadow luring in defiance 

But in the end the real story became truths reliance

While side chatter will always continue

An arms lengths distance will now ensue

Nothing or no one can take the words from my heart and sound from my lips

It's just now my mind is stronger than hateful grips

I now can see the real from the fake

And my happiness will never again be at stake

No one has the power to take what's truly mine

In my thoughts my secrets are now confined

Lessons learned reserving my trust

True love has more strength than envy and lust

I can forgive but never forget so save any apologies or pleads

Vengeance in the end has no choice but to concede

Beautiful Silence

Just laying here in your arms I feel your soul connected to mine

Tingly sensations run up and down my spine

As I lie on your shoulder and caress your chest, each inch of your skin I kiss

Each second of our love making over and over I reminisce

Words not needed because each emotion is being felt and our eyes tell no lies

As each sunset’s, in you my sun rises

Our lips connect in ways that defy language with our own interpretations

Physical actions create cosmic salutations

Telepathically speaking our own heartfelt dialect

Communicating directly indirect

Brushing my hair to the side leaving kissed stained cheeks

In unidentified tongues our passion speaks

Imperfect perfections of moon gliding and spiritual dances

Right side up but yet upside down my heart and mind collectively enhances

I feel a war of spiritual revolution

Each nerve ending rejoices in electrocution

Brainwaves create inner galactic sound waves of our rhythmic harmony

Melodically script writing love-filled symphonies

Star surfing among constellations

With destiny being our destination

Inside out and outside in I feel you

As stained glass I see only you through

Feeding off the words unspoken yet spoken loud and clear

Our hearts so naturally cohered

Beyond explanation

Loves diagnosis without question or examinations

Flowing through each other as a river of inner commotion

Mixing pheromone ingredients of our unique love potion

Addiction remedies to a fiend’s lust

Beyond words being discussed

Lavishing in assurance of a non-verbal communicated alliance

Our souls speaking our beautiful silence

Insane Sanity

All I am asking for is a break

Time to catch my breath and stand up after I fall

Not enough being deposited, but banks still continue to take

Catching up just to fall behind constantly overdrawn and backed up

against the wall

If it’s going to happen, it’s surely going to happen to me

I try to smile regardless but at night when I am alone the tears stream

Feeling as if the waves are drowning me in a dead sea

My pride holds me back and erases my dreams

The weight I carry all by myself gets so heavy that I feel as if I just can’t go on

If it’s not one thing, it’s another…when does it end

I never expected life to be easy but I don’t even have those to depend upon

Not even asking to be rescued but a shoulder to cry on and ears to comprehend

Would make my load just a bit lighter and able to manage

I wouldn’t feel so alone

And always at a disadvantage

Down the drain, my sanity forms into a cyclone landing me dead center

in the drop zone

Not sure how much longer I can maintain

Hanging onto the edge of the cliff contemplating the jump

Just wanting to relieve this pain

Breaking finger nails and drawing blood trying to scrape out of this slump

Mind on overload analyzing different options that would draw different

conclusions

My tunnel is filled with darkness and no shadows of light seep through

Tricks played on my conscious forming insane delusions

Different circumstances with results seeming like déjà vu

My eyes reveal deep sadness but my smile distracts focus

Daily forcing away negative thoughts attempting to only see positive displays

Adjusting my lenses to refocus

It’s just not as easy on some days

And I allow myself to be consumed

To feel every emotion in this process

And then some days I am numb and keep my pain entombed

Every once in awhile mental relief comes and I make progress

But I have learned to fake inner happiness so often that I can at

times forget as well

Then around the next corner I get slammed in the face

My thoughts captured and can’t help but dwell

This repeating cycle I continue to retrace

I must break free and find my mind some peace

Learning to let go even though painlessly isn’t always the case

But I must stop worrying and release

And this negative energy erase

Discover what happiness truly feels like

Regaining spiritual vanity

Ending my personal strike

With my battle against insane sanity

I am in love

I am in love with him

I can’t hide it

Can’t fight it

And surely can’t deny it

It’s truly no one’s business

To know any details

Of our love

It’s only between the both of us

Because what we have, marinates my soul

Makes my heart smile

Each moment I long for him

Lust for him

Desire to touch him

Can’t stand a moment without him

Miss him the second he leaves

Even when he just walks into another room

Not a moment goes by that he isn’t on my mind

He is my tunnel vision

The only man for me

The only man who can make me feel like this

The only man who can make me love like this

The only man who has me in totality

No other could compare

To the way he balances my equilibrium

And calms my spirit

He is the yin to my yang

My total opposite

The completion of my circle

The air in my lungs

The beating of my heart

The blood that flows through my veins

The muse of my poetry

The feelings of my emotion

The love I radiate

I am in love with him

Daddy

I never had that good father role model to look up to

You weren’t there to show me how a man is supposed to treat me

All I remember is witnessing you lay hands on my step mom (RIP Joyce)

Imagining the times when you would do the same to my mom

Even though I was too young to remember

I heard the stories as well as seen you in action

And yea, although you didn't physically take Joyce's life, I blame you 

You spoiled me in rations

When it was convenient for you

And never when I needed you

Then as a developed young teen

You took an interest in something that I could have never imagined or foreseen

How could you even look at your daughter that way

I was innocent and didn’t want to believe my daddy would betray

Held that pain in for decades because I just couldn’t tell

The hurt you caused will never go completely away

Still from time to time the memories come back to haunt

I can’t blame you for the mistakes I made with men

But what foundation did you leave me with

The lessons you taught me were to accept less than I deserve

To give into the desires of men

To do as I am told or there will be consequences

You instilled fear, pain, nightmares and neglect

What was that supposed to teach

The bad supersedes any good memories

I almost feel that was even fake and never happened

All I wanted was my daddy

That daddy that could do no wrong

To protect and love me forever

Even decades later

I still think of you

Still miss you

I don’t understand why 

I still love you

You damaged me worse than anyone on this earth could ever

My entire life I searched for the love I lacked from you

Never even coming close to

Until I learned to love myself