Daddy

I never had that good father role model to look up to

You weren’t there to show me how a man is supposed to treat me

All I remember is witnessing you lay hands on my step mom (RIP Joyce)

Imagining the times when you would do the same to my mom

Even though I was too young to remember

I heard the stories as well as seen you in action

And yea, although you didn't physically take Joyce's life, I blame you 

You spoiled me in rations

When it was convenient for you

And never when I needed you

Then as a developed young teen

You took an interest in something that I could have never imagined or foreseen

How could you even look at your daughter that way

I was innocent and didn’t want to believe my daddy would betray

Held that pain in for decades because I just couldn’t tell

The hurt you caused will never go completely away

Still from time to time the memories come back to haunt

I can’t blame you for the mistakes I made with men

But what foundation did you leave me with

The lessons you taught me were to accept less than I deserve

To give into the desires of men

To do as I am told or there will be consequences

You instilled fear, pain, nightmares and neglect

What was that supposed to teach

The bad supersedes any good memories

I almost feel that was even fake and never happened

All I wanted was my daddy

That daddy that could do no wrong

To protect and love me forever

Even decades later

I still think of you

Still miss you

I don’t understand why 

I still love you

You damaged me worse than anyone on this earth could ever

My entire life I searched for the love I lacked from you

Never even coming close to

Until I learned to love myself