Wednesday, June 19, 2013


I never had that good father role model to look up to
You weren’t there to show me how a man is supposed to treat me
All I remember is witnessing you lay hands on my step mom (RIP Joyce)
Imagining the times when you would do the same to my mom
Even though I was too young to remember
I heard the stories as well as seen you in action
And yea, although you didn't physically take Joyce's life, I blame you 
You spoiled me in rations
When it was convenient for you
And never when I needed you
Then as a developed young teen
You took an interest in something that I could have never imagined or foreseen
How could you even look at your daughter that way
I was innocent and didn’t want to believe my daddy would betray
Held that pain in for decades because I just couldn’t tell
The hurt you caused will never go completely away
Still from time to time the memories come back to haunt
I can’t blame you for the mistakes I made with men
But what foundation did you leave me with
The lessons you taught me were to accept less than I deserve
To give into the desires of men
To do as I am told or there will be consequences
You instilled fear, pain, nightmares and neglect
What was that supposed to teach
The bad supersedes any good memories
I almost feel that was even fake and never happened
All I wanted was my daddy
That daddy that could do no wrong
To protect and love me forever
Even decades later
I still think of you
Still miss you
I don’t understand why 
I still love you
You damaged me worse than anyone on this earth could ever
My entire life I searched for the love I lacked from you
Never even coming close to
Until I learned to love myself

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