Through the Fire

I have been through the fire

Made plans from this earth to expire

I experienced homelessness, rape(s), and molestations

That attempted to crack my foundation

But what my father did hurt worse than any other

I went through two divorces and battled lifelong depression

But in the end, I have learned more than one lesson

I got off track but found my way back

Gaining the strength I lacked

My daughters gave me my motivation

But God’s Word prevented total desolation

And gave me back the fight and faith I required

To survive through the fire

Good Morning All! This one came from the heart...

Healed

Hollowed heart and dented frame

Buried deep, love remnants remain

Echoes of repeated mistakes

Mind no longer aches

Inner peace and joy refill

With God’s will

Truth no longer concealed

Once broken, now healed

Short and sweet...Its shows an overcoming of the darkness within that so many people deal with...Giving testimony that this CAN be overcome and inner peace and joy ARE possible within HIS WILL!!!

Fight

Fight

Inside I feel depression forming

A constant mourning

Disappointment that things aren’t going as planned

Feeling weaker as I stand

Like my legs are about to give

Suffering being relived

As I take steps ahead

I begin to lose my tread

And fall further back

With my face being smacked

Tired of struggling

Day to day juggling

Just to get by

Blessings seem to be on standby

I suppose this is a lesson to gain strength

But how long is this ropes length

I am ready for a break

So sick of this heartache

Stress and worry are weighing me down

Getting harder not to frown

These feelings I want to overwrite

Not sure if I have the energy to continue this fight

Good Morning All! I have actually been pretty good lately...But yesterday things just got a little crazy..If it isnt one thing, its another...I am just soooo tired...and today it shows in my mood and in my face...I had to force myself to write and this was the way I felt so it carried over into this poem...I do have happier things to write about...I am just not feeling any of that at this particular moment...

Spaces

Spaces

Spaces in between and out of time

Lost in thoughts absorbing the mind

Spaces where hours seem long

When you're tired of singing the same song

Spaces where words have no meaning

While each letter is hurtfully screaming

Spaces with no one to fill

Like your moving when you're lying still

Spaces where nothing matters

Talking tends to sound like chatter

Spaces that are crowded but empty

As is treatment with no remedy

Spaces that are deep and dark

Adding no fire to the spark

Spaces with endless faces

Depression provoked mind erases

Tasteless

Tasteless

My mouth is dry but I cannot quench my thirst

In a pool of thoughtlessness I am immersed

The world is going on around me

My inner screams are dying to be free

But I chose to remain allusive

Leaving my love and feelings for my own exclusive

Insecurities and heart entwined

Raging their own wars in my mind

Not allowing the other to win

And the other not willing to ever give in

Lost hopes and dreams

Are causing two extremes

Emotions remain unfazed

Inside my eternal love is about to set a blaze

But the one that deserves it has not revealed his face

So until he shows himself, I have removed my taste

Good Morning All! Yes, a repost. I started my second Discipleship class at church and that takes up my evenings. I hope everyone is doing well. Not sure what is wrong with me, been kinda in my own daze...Not in a funk at all, just a lot of planning on my mind. I disnt realize until someone pointed out that I was being very distant, it wasnt intentional at all.

Freed

You tried to take me, my soul
Until I learned to gain control
You hurt me in ways I couldn’t let go
Locking my pain inside so no one would know
Desperately wanting my father’s love
Realizing my Father is the man above
Looking for love in the wrong places
Pushing past the hurt of many different faces
Made mistakes I can’t take back
Now focused on getting my life on track
Releasing the flash backs and nightmares
That haunted when no one cared
Finding and truly loving me
All that pain and hurt finally freed

His Battle

His Battle

Let go and your joy will be complete

Dont just fall in defeat

Your troubles make you stronger

Dont hold onto the guilt any longer

Repent your sins

And your peace will begin

Never give up hope

Whatever it is, you CAN cope

Set your mind at ease

Dont question God's expertise

Stay in fear of His reign

Allow His glory to attain

And His knowledge to excite

Realize that its just not your battle to fight

This is a repost...I needed this reminder today...I hope that everyone has a great weekend.  I will be back on Tuesday...

Doubt

Doubt

Doubting myself
Not sure if I am capable
Of loving
Another or myself
I see only my imperfections
How can someone else
Love me if I cant love myself
I am scared to give
Of my heart
And be hurt once more
Am I worthy of true love
Or am I just in love
With the idea of being loved
Am I worthy of someone
Looking past my imperfections
Wanting to heal my pains
Allowing me to cry
Holding me
When the nightmares consume
I desire to be loved
But terrified to let anyone in
I keep running
But I am tired
Tired of doubting

Wasted

Wasted

Your sorrows are forgotten but still remain
Currently not driving you insane

Deep within they are bleeding
Giving power while misleading

Intoxicating your inner thoughts
Leaving you completely distraught

Even more confused
Ego continues to bruise

Drink after drink
Mind and heart no longer in sync

Puffing and passing
Memories still harrasing

Too blasted to even care anymore
Feelings totally being ignored

Now able to sleep without nightmares
Victory declares

One more day concluded
Horros eluded

But still slowly eating at your flesh
New problems continue to manifest

Nothing to look forward to
To the bottom of the bottle you subdue

Awake and start the routine again
Now your sanity depends

On these chemicals you're using to set free
Still trashed with debris

Sobriety never again tasted
Lifeless life remains wasted

Senseless

Senseless

As the round of shots rang out
I heard her scream and shout
Then I heard another round shatter
Bodies scattered
No longer able to scream
Lost hopes and dreams
Lives lost
For what cost
Senseless crimes
Influencing young kids minds
Thats all they know
All they have been shown
When do you get used to hearing the sirens
When do you get used to guns firing
Futures no longer reflected
Senseless acts of crime expected

Impaired

I wrote this in August but still feeling the same way...I am hoping to break this cycle. I am still oh so confused...But I am choosing not to make a decision and letting nature takes its course....Whatever happens, I will be cool with. Whatever is meant, will be and I am comfortable with that.


I hope that everyone is doing well and if there is snow where you are, I hope you are making it thru the best you can. I know I am about sick of this dang snow and more is coming this weekend :( I mean the states had enough time to clean these snow mounds up, but no we still have no lanes or disappearing lanes, parking is CRAZY or nonexistent....Traffic, I dont even wanna go there...It took me 2 hours to get home yesterday (Double my normal drive time) half the time I was held up by snow plows so I couldnt complain about that....But this snow STILL in this road is causing traffic to back up, ridicuoulsly...and people walking OMG PLEASE stay OUT the street or at least move when a car comes...I realize aint no sidewalks but if I am driving on ice/snow, I am NOT stopping...You either get out my way or get hit  LOL...Seriously tho...

Thoughts consuming my mind
Memories always remind

Of pain and grief
My heart stolen like a thief

Only to be hurt every time
Even after the wedding bells chimed

Every man I have ever given my heart to
Expected me to subdue

And accept treatment given
The torment cannot be forgiven

I am trying to forgive myself
And put this pain up on the shelf

But I am still unable to give my all
It’s only the nightmares I recall

Too scared to let the right one in
Can’t shake my feelings within

Blocking my future blessings
Constantly depressing

In a state of seclusion
Continuous confusion

Will I ever find inner peace
And allow the love inside to release

To the one deserving of my heart
Will this pain ever depart

Having faith in my belief
Praying for absolute relief

I feel broken and hopelessly in despair
I have declared myself love impaired

© copyright Tue Aug 11 8:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Cant Let Go...

I just can’t seem to let you go
The love inside me continuously flows

You consume my every emotion and inner thoughts
The thought of losing you has me very distraught

Lying in this empty bed missing the warmth of your body next to mine
Making love to you, feeling our emotions intertwine

The strength of your arms embodying me
Allowing our hearts to agree

And give in to this love that we have created
These feelings felt have been long awaited

I just can’t walk away from this love that I feel
My true emotions can never be fully concealed

Listen and feel my hearts silent plea
Letting go of you, would be like letting go of a part of me

Baby, you are to me; my love’s plateau
Experience my love within and never let it go



© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Stalker

I don’t know why some people can’t take no for an answer
I guess the thrill of the chase is the enhancer

You’re not man enough for me
I don’t care how much you beg and plea

Will you just leave me alone
Your reasons are unknown

Haven’t you hurt me enough
My road is already tough

With the hurt you already put me through
Now you’re sabotaging my happiness with your untruths

You didn’t treat me right when you had me
The abuse was a guarantee

That you will never have my heart
I wish your existence in my life would depart

Why can’t you just let me go
I don’t want you, you already know

Let me live my life in peace
And allow all this pain inside to release

From you, I just want to be free
Will you please stop stalking me

© copyright Tue Aug 17 7:11:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Loneliness

I am so tired of being alone
Tired of feeling like I am on my own

Tired of waking up to an empty bed
Wondering what’s ahead

My standards are high as ever
But I don’t want to be by myself forever

I want to feel the feeling of love
An no longer the lack thereof

I want someone to share my thoughts and dreams
Nothing is ever how it seems

Being alone does has its benefits
But it also has its limits

I miss being made love to all night
And all those feelings that excite

I miss hearing the words “I love you”
That kind of love that makes you feel brand new

But I am not willing to accept just anything
Definitely not looking for a meaningless fling

Been there, done that many times before
But my feelings I can no longer ignore

Lately I have constantly pushed good men away
Terrified of being betrayed

I know I need to let my guards down some
Or I will allow my loneliness to succumb

© copyright Tue Oct 1 7:40:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

For Sale

This is the end of this horrible decade, so I am riding my heart from the horrors that still haunt me...I wrote this in third person because even writing it I still had yet to admit this...Actually I have never admitted it to anyone other than in this poem...

Jobless and homeless
Nowhere to turn
Not sure what to do
Her kids need to eat
And need a place to sleep
No one to help
Feeling completely alone
Only decision that is feasible
Giving up her kids
For now at least
Hungry, cold and confused
Desperation takes over
Standing on a DC street corner
Praying no one stops
But then brake lights shine
A white car stops, pricing discussed
Not offering enough
But she is desperate and accepts
As she sat in the seat next to him
Terror took over her thoughts
Reliving previous rapes as an adolescent
Wishing she never got in the car
But it’s too late now
He is asking questions but she can’t hear
They stop in an alley
She wants this to hurry up and be done
She pulls down her pants just enough for him to enter
Makes sure he uses the condoms she brought
Doesn’t trust him at all
Bends over and tells him only from the back
So she doesn’t have to see his face
Thank God it was over fast
Pulls up her pants and walks away into the night
Feeling dirty and raunchy
Tears flowing down her cheeks
When her boyfriend finds her
He tells her to get in the car
Then yanks her out by her hair
Earrings fly across the pavement
Beats her repeatedly with rage in his eyes
He was someone that she never knew
He takes the money she just sold her soul for
Alone in the shower for nearly 4 hours
Trying to wash away the filth
But it still remains within her soul
Memories will haunt for decades

Addiction

Ok, this is also something from this decade that I am healing from so this is my second post today...With this poem.  This started the downward spiral in my life...Then the Homelessness and I will follow with my other deep scar next...

I will post somethign my girl Tiff just sent me :)

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you do it right, you'll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances & never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you. Sometimes, you just have to smile, pretend everything's okay, hold back the tears and walk away. If you want to see the rainbow you must go through the rain. If you want TRUE LOVE you must go through the pain. Women were made from a man's rib, not from his head to be superior, not from his feet to be walked on, but from his side to be equal, from under the arm to be protected, and from next to the heart to be loved.

Mind focused on one thing only
While your wife is at home sick of being lonely

All responsibilities are out the door
Her cries you again ignore

You will do whatever you have to do
Any lies you can construe

Nothing or no one else is more essential
Losing all self worth and potential

Stealing the kids toys and bikes
Hurting her with each continuous strike

Selling your soul with each puff of the pipe
Polluting your mind with each line you swipe

Either death or prison awaits
Only God can determine your fate

Prison takes you away from everyone
The pain you have caused cannot be undone

Now you have taken a life in sorrow
All your dreams and hopes of tomorrow

Will be lived behind those bars
Your family will continue to feel the scars

Your addiction left behind
Memories of torture to remind

Pain endured will last a lifetime
You’re not the only one paying for your crime

You’re addiction affected everyone around you
And broke the hearts of the one’s who truly love you

© copyright Tue Aug 10 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Homeless

I wrote and posted this back in August, but since I am attempting to let go of my past in order to move toward my future I want to post about the bad so that I can be thankful for where I am now going into this New Year.  I am still no where near where I want to be in my life and feeling a bit unsatisfied...So, this is a reminder of what I went through just 3 years ago...And this only scratched the surface...

I just received this message from a very good friend :) Love ya Tiff...I just thought I'd share!!!

There comes a point n ur life when u realize: Who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, an who always will, so dont worry about people from the past, there is a reason they didnt make it 2 ur future

It all started when my marriage crumbled into ashes
My life went crashing

I had no idea what was about to transpire
Distress got me fired

Life turning upside down
So called friends are nowhere to be found

Had to make the hardest decision
Sending my children to daddy was more than I could envision

Endured unimaginable affliction
Starting all from the first eviction

Living place to place was not where they needed to be
Sleeping and eating daily was not a guarantee

No one showed me compassion
Generosity only came in rations

Times got desperate
Keeping mind and body separate

As I did things I never thought I could do
Putting myself in situations I wish no one had to ever go through

I learned no one truly cares
Except the Man above, who I send my tearful prayers

Had to learn how to humble myself and set my pride aside
Having faith that He will always provide

All along He heard my silent plea
After I learned my lessons He started blessing me

Sending me in the direction I needed to succeed
Gaining the strength to proceed

He carried me through the horrors of the streets
My fears I have no choice but to defeat

© copyright Tue Aug 11 9:00:02 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Inner Tears

No one can see me crying
Within I feel like I am dying

No one can hear my silent cries
It’s been so long since I have seen my sunrise

No one can feel my pain
The pain that is driving me insane

Everything looks fine but looks are deceiving
Inside I am constantly grieving

Torturing myself it seems
But no one can hear my screams

No one can rescue me from myself
I can’t seem to put old feelings on the shelf

And let these feelings past
It’s like a spell upon myself, has been cast

Immeasurable pain I feel
I am not sure how much longer I can conceal

I feel as if I am about to explode
Torment has been bestowed

How do I release
And find again that inner peace

Can I get past my fears
Can I stop these inner tears

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Stolen Innocence

I was a virgin, but you stole my substance
Scared, I ly there in silence
Separating my mind, far away from the physical
Mind escaping into the illogical
Not sure what to do or how to feel
Within fears I conceal
Years and years of pain is locked within
Still not able to deal with your sins
These constant fears needs to be released
Learning to regain my confidence at least
Followed now by years of accepting abuse
Denying an inner truce
Time doesn’t make dealing any easier
But the burden continues to get heavier
Lost, loosing all grips of defense
You have just stolen my innocence

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Pain

For years I longed for your love
I thought it was me you were proud of
Now I see your wife’s replacement, you were looking for
It wasn’t me you adored
I was a developing teen
My fears remained unseen
Day by day you tested the depths you would go
I was to keep quite so no one would know
Instead of teaching me who I am to be
A life time of uncertainty is now guaranteed
I left before it went any further
All this pain from my own father

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved