Wednesday, December 30, 2009

For Sale

This is the end of this horrible decade, so I am riding my heart from the horrors that still haunt me...I wrote this in third person because even writing it I still had yet to admit this...Actually I have never admitted it to anyone other than in this poem...

Jobless and homeless
Nowhere to turn
Not sure what to do
Her kids need to eat
And need a place to sleep
No one to help
Feeling completely alone
Only decision that is feasible
Giving up her kids
For now at least
Hungry, cold and confused
Desperation takes over
Standing on a DC street corner
Praying no one stops
But then brake lights shine
A white car stops, pricing discussed
Not offering enough
But she is desperate and accepts
As she sat in the seat next to him
Terror took over her thoughts
Reliving previous rapes as an adolescent
Wishing she never got in the car
But it’s too late now
He is asking questions but she can’t hear
They stop in an alley
She wants this to hurry up and be done
She pulls down her pants just enough for him to enter
Makes sure he uses the condoms she brought
Doesn’t trust him at all
Bends over and tells him only from the back
So she doesn’t have to see his face
Thank God it was over fast
Pulls up her pants and walks away into the night
Feeling dirty and raunchy
Tears flowing down her cheeks
When her boyfriend finds her
He tells her to get in the car
Then yanks her out by her hair
Earrings fly across the pavement
Beats her repeatedly with rage in his eyes
He was someone that she never knew
He takes the money she just sold her soul for
Alone in the shower for nearly 4 hours
Trying to wash away the filth
But it still remains within her soul
Memories will haunt for decades


Senorita said...

I remember you writing this a few months ago.

My heart goes out to you. Desperation make us to things that will haunt us down the road.

You are brave for writing this.

I hope time will heal your wounds.

25champ said...

Trust me God hears you and you have already been blessed. Your therapy is in your pen and not only will u be free of this pain, but you will inspire others as you already have. God has a plan for you!

pennanddpaper said...

wow that was deep.
i felt like i was actually watching it all go down. your writing is so heart felt and real.
my heart goes out to your situation. just remember no matter what your doing, your doin it because you have to. not because you want to.

your beautiful and worth something.
remember that.

madd love.
thanks for following.

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry to hear this. i know it's hard. i hope god hears your prayers.

JStar said...

Senorita, Yea this is something that I have not forgave myself for doing...At the time I had no choice, and had to a few more times after this but in a different setting...Wasnt on a corner, it was a pre arranged thing with a married man...The money was really good, 400 dollars for 15 mins in a hotel room...But then I was homeless and was able to stay in the hotel for the night...Atleast I knew I had somewhere to sleep that night...

25Champ, I know God have forgiven me, but I had yet to forgive myself. I have suffered from nightmares and have had trouble sleeping because of these memories...I truly think that God allowed me to go through this hell and gave me this gift to write all so that I could share my story...and help someone else who has went through or going through similar situations...To show them that there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I am still not where I want to be, but I am doing good compared to what I have already been through...

JStar said...

Pennanddpaper, Yea, that was a horrible day in my life...Desperation takes you to places you never thought you would go and makes you do things thats out of your character...At the time, I literally had NO choice...I had NO ONE to help...Thats when I learned the truth about people, and where their heart truly lies... :) Thank you soo much, you have no idea how bad I needed to hear that...I am worth so much more...What I have done does not define the person I am indside...Thanks for visiting my page as well, stay tunned...More to come :)

Thanks Elizabeth...I know He hears my prayers...and he has answered them...He has made things easier but has made me work for it!

Jasper said...


JStar said...

Thanks Jasper :) and thanks for visiting my blog...I am going to check yours out as well...Have a blessed new year...

Secretia said...

This tears me up to read, I can't imagine how it was in real life. You're in my prayers.


JStar said...

Thanks Secretia :) Yea, it was a crazy time and my life...but I am headed in a new direction now

JStar said...

Thanks for visiting me Jasper, I hope you continue to...I cannot get onto your blog because of its content here at work...

Cynthia said...

dear J. your honesty and willingness to tell of your wounds
to help another possibly in the
same type of situation is admirable.

yes God has forgiven you, so now
it is your turn to forgive
yourself, if He can, you cannot
hold onto guilt.


J. you are a brave and strong
woman, so glad you visited my blog.

JStar said...

Cynthia, your words brought tears to my eyes...I did know what you are saying is true but thats my hardest part, forgiving myself...

RoByn LaTice said...

You have been through soo much in your life. I am glad you are in happier times now. God shall heal all your wounds. You are an incredibly strong person, remain that way!

JStar said...

Thanks Robyn....