Thursday, April 11, 2013

Cursed with beauty-7/30

I was always told how beautiful I was for as long as I can remember. But what my father did to me, made me wish I was ugly. The dirty looks from perverted men that haunted my youth and left a disgusting taste in my mouth. Men used and abused me over and over again. My father took innocence from me at 12, then by two grown men my virginity being stripped before I gave consent at 14. It became a cycle repeating two times after. But still I remained trustful until my trust was stolen for the last time. My view on men for years to come was stained by those selfish acts and continued the cycle of pain. All I knew was torture so I numbed my feelings and caged my love while self torture was my form of killing the pain. I have always been told that I have a magnetism that attracts men; I guess that was the same magnetism that grown men couldn’t keep away from a small loving little girl. Disregarding my innocence for their perverted desires those looks I can never forget. I still feel their thoughts when men approach me or look at me like I am a piece of meat. It doesn’t make me feel beautiful at all. This is why I have had trouble with self esteem my entire life. Others see me as beautiful but I view me as tainted and feel like being beautiful has been a curse for me.

2 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

I am so sorry that men have made you feel this way... it is beyond my understanding how a Father could be so lecherous and allow the kind of behavior around his child that this entry hints at...

Of course, if something brings pain and hurt to a person, no matter what it is, the remains of its taste will be bitter...

What I do know is that based from your writing, you are beautiful both inside and out, and much like the fabled caged bird, you still sing a beautiful song...

Again, I am so sorry that men have made you feel this way...

Reggie said...

All men aren't like that.

When I look at my daughter now at 22, I see my baby. I may always see her as 3 or 4 and no, she doesn't like that. Her smile will always be sunshine for me. I can't imagine taking advantage of her love. I don't understand a father that would even consider that an option. Simply put, I adore her and I would kill for her and I have no problem making that statement.

Remember what I said about forgiveness in the next post?!? Well I hope your father burns in hell for what he did to you.