First Love

Loved you ever since “New Jack City”
Knew right then I wanted to keep you in my vicinity
For you I truly carry an addiction
“Happily ever after” has always been my depiction
As a kid I dreamed of us having kids and getting married
For years I kept my love for you deep inside buried
But I could never let you out of my grip
Until now we’ve missed our chances for an adult relationship
Our friendship has grown stronger and stronger over the years
You’ve always been there to calm my fears and wipe away my tears
Now we are both available to explore
The depths our love can lure
Our friendship makes loving you a given
With you, any mistakes can be forgiven
I’ve always loved you right from the start
You are the only man I could trust with my heart
In my heart you’ve always stood above
You are definitely my first true love…

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Silence

Baby, close your eyes and feel with your senses
Shut off all of your defenses
Don’t think with your mind
Witness this as we intertwine
Focus on the energy that is being produced
Absorb it as it is introduced
Into your soul
Conceive me within you as I console
Experience the vibes that we create
These feelings we elate
Put your arms around me and squeeze tight
I invite you to be apart of this plight
Immerse yourself into my atmosphere
Relax as our souls adhere
And become as one
Enjoy what has begun
This can never be undone
We are connected in every way
Notice my persona is displayed
Nothing to hide
These feelings we cannot deny
I embrace the kiss on my lips
This is our personal eclipse
I clutch your gentle touch
Baby, I love you so much
As chills ride my spine
This love we define
But not into words
These feelings can only be felt and not heard
Dip into my intellectual
Make it ever so sensual
And sprinkle me with your trust
This is far beyond lust
This is love that is so true
This love to the fullest we pursue
It is unexplainable science
Feel as I demonstrate my love in silence

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Stolen Innocence

I was a virgin, but you stole my substance
Scared, I ly there in silence
Separating my mind, far away from the physical
Mind escaping into the illogical
Not sure what to do or how to feel
Within fears I conceal
Years and years of pain is locked within
Still not able to deal with your sins
These constant fears needs to be released
Learning to regain my confidence at least
Followed now by years of accepting abuse
Denying an inner truce
Time doesn’t make dealing any easier
But the burden continues to get heavier
Lost, loosing all grips of defense
You have just stolen my innocence

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Letter to my readers

To my readers;


I thank you very much for reading my poetry and commenting. Those comments make me feel good. Like I am actually a good writer lol. Most of my poetry is things that I have actually gone through, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am just real with my writing, and say the truth regardless of what someone may think of me. These are issues that a lot of people deal with or struggle with but haven’t admitted it to themselves much less anyone else. So, I really hope my words touch you, just as these situations have touched me all the way to my soul. It makes my pain worthwhile, if I can touch people with my experiences. If I can comfort them and letting them know that they are not alone. That someone else has gone through this and survived. Then there are things that I write about that I have yet to feel or experience and want. Now, I want to touch areas that I have not gone through, trying to expand my writing to reach all topics that people go through. Writing to me is very therapeutic, so I thank all of my loyal readers for taking time and sharing a moment with me. Please be patient with me as I write things that are difficult for me. All of these things may not be something that I am currently going through, but have been through. Writing helps me release those feelings that I keep bottled up. When I am emotional and hurting, it is really hard for me to write about it at that time. Sometimes I wait years to write about something. I am in the process of putting my poetry together in a story format and will be writing about various topics in order to completely tell my story. I apologize if I say anything to offend anyone. I am telling you now if you don’t already know; I am going to be real and raw. Sit back and relax through my journey called life  I also want to pray now for forgiveness about writing secular poetry. These are my experiences and mistakes that I have made, but I have to accept these things in order to move on with my life in the direction I need to be.

Much Love,
JStar

Pain

For years I longed for your love
I thought it was me you were proud of
Now I see your wife’s replacement, you were looking for
It wasn’t me you adored
I was a developing teen
My fears remained unseen
Day by day you tested the depths you would go
I was to keep quite so no one would know
Instead of teaching me who I am to be
A life time of uncertainty is now guaranteed
I left before it went any further
All this pain from my own father

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Breathless

Everytime you walk into a room, I feel you
I feel the strength of our hearts pursuit

When I close my eyes, you are on my mind
Feelings take over and chills run up and down my spine

Yearning to feel you deep inside
Wanting to feel our passions fully collide

Craving to feel your kisses caressing me
From head to toe, setting me free

The depths of these feelings my hearts confessed
Thoughts of you leave me completely breathless...

© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Letting Go

Analyzing my life, making choices
Listening to my inner voices

Finding my direction
Mirroring my life to my dreams reflection

Making previous impossibilities
My life's realities

Choosing who is in my surrounding
Making decisons that are profounding

Locating my creativity
Ridding any negativity

And anyone that is causing
My happiness is applauding

Letting go the cause of any pain
Letting go for my own personal gain

© copyright Tue Oct 22 6:55:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Deserve

I love you enough to let you go
I know my apprehension has clearly shown

Our personalities conflict
Future problems I can depict

I don’t think I can be the woman for you
Even though my feelings for you are true

I am not built for the sacrifice of your career
When I have to sleep alone, I shed tears

The distance is too hard for me
My loyalty I can no longer guarantee

A relationship should not be lonely
Even if I am your one and only

I need more than you could possibly give
This emptiness I do not want to relive

I need attention that you cannot produce
Future pain I do not want to induce

Although love has clouded my vision
My feelings are in a division

Our paths are going in opposite directions
Despite our hearts connection

I don’t want to hold your heart on reserve
My complete honesty you deserve

© copyright Tue Oct 22 7:05:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Terrified

I thought I was dreaming when you spoke those words
Although our future goals are in accords

I am truly terrified to give my heart
This time I want to take my time and be smart

I want a true love that will stand the test of time
A love that’s real and sublime

I want to rest my fears upon your shoulders
With the key to my heart as you are the beholder

Hopefully a love like no other can grow
If I don’t give it a chance, how will I ever know

I have been waiting my lifetime for those words to be spoken
I just don’t want my heart to again be broken

I want to take things nice and slow
To allow your sincerity to clearly show

I hope that you are one I can truly confide
Just love me truthfully and help me get over being completely terrified

© copyright Tue Oct 20 7:10:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Homecoming

Rolling her long silky brown hair
Apply make up to prepare

For her junior homecoming
Looking at the woman she is becoming

Her dress hugging her curves
Hoping her future boyfriend treats her as she deserves

Her first time wearing heels
Knowing its excitement that she feels

Posing as a grown woman with such innocence
The young child I am watching transform I reminisce

She is preparing for the world not knowing all its horror
She will make mistakes as she explores

I am there to help her learn and teach her how to get back on her feet
Overcoming lies and deceit

She has only experienced her first heartbreak
Discovering so called friends can be fake

So much more to learn
Knowing she is smart and will make a man earn

His right to her heart
Giving her strength to overcome if or when they grow apart

It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers
Now it’s the tears falling down her cheeks I wipe

Wishing her more success than I experienced
Praying my mistakes have influenced

Her future decisions
I am sure that her life will be more than I can currently envision

My precious baby is no longer a child
I sent her off to her dance and within I smiled

© copyright Mon Oct 19 8:12:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Wasted

Your sorrows are forgotten but still remain
Currently not driving you insane

Deep within they are bleeding
Giving power while misleading

Intoxicating your inner thoughts
Leaving you completely distraught

Even more confused
Ego continues to bruise

Drink after drink
Mind and heart no longer in sync

Puffing and passing
Memories still harassing

Too blasted to even care anymore
Feelings totally being ignored

Now able to sleep without nightmares
Victory declares

One more day concluded
Horrors eluded

But still slowly eating at your flesh
New problems continue to manifest

Nothing to look forward to
To the bottom of the bottle you subdue

Awake and start the routine again
Now your sanity totally depends

On these chemicals you’re using to set free
Still trashed with debris

Sobriety never again tasted
Lifeless life remains wasted

© copyright Thu Oct 15 8:11:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Depression

Just sitting with a blank stare on my face
The pain inside just will not erase

While the world is moving at a fast pace around me
No one can hear my silent inner plea

Holding back tears from my eyes
The smile on my face is only a disguise

Hiding the emptiness felt inside
Feeling there is no one I can confide

No one else can understand what I am feeling
No one can help me through with what I am dealing

So overwhelming that I can no longer cry
But the pain I can no longer defy

Not wanting to ever get out of bed
Can’t stop the memories replaying in my head

Having no desire even to eat
Inside I feel totally incomplete

Forcing myself out only makes these feelings stronger
I feel as if I just can’t deal any longer

The only thing keeping me from ending it all
Is my daughters picking me up each time I fall

I can’t leave them here dealing with this world alone
So I fake it and leave my feelings postponed

All the while I feel as if they are eating me alive
Holding on just enough to survive

Pushing everyone close far away
Not wanting my feelings to display

Emotions are starting to numb
Death inside has already succumb

These words will be my only confession
I just don’t know how to get out of this deep depression

© copyright Tue Oct 13 7:31:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Crying...

Emotions felt deep enough to bruise
Mind erratic and confused

Knowing what I want and need
But allowing my heart to continuously bleed

Tears of blood fall from my eyes
Actions are not too far from my demise

Inside I am grieving
Suicidal thoughts conceiving

Fighting that inner struggle
Seeing reality is a constant juggle

Images flashing
Self torture rehashing

Attempting to stay above
And erase these thoughts of

Hurt and pain
Allowing inner happiness to reclaim

Finding that strength to compete
And stop focusing on deceit

© copyright Tue Oct 5 10:03:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved