Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Just sitting with a blank stare on my face
The pain inside just will not erase

While the world is moving at a fast pace around me
No one can hear my silent inner plea

Holding back tears from my eyes
The smile on my face is only a disguise

Hiding the emptiness felt inside
Feeling there is no one I can confide

No one else can understand what I am feeling
No one can help me through with what I am dealing

So overwhelming that I can no longer cry
But the pain I can no longer defy

Not wanting to ever get out of bed
Can’t stop the memories replaying in my head

Having no desire even to eat
Inside I feel totally incomplete

Forcing myself out only makes these feelings stronger
I feel as if I just can’t deal any longer

The only thing keeping me from ending it all
Is my daughters picking me up each time I fall

I can’t leave them here dealing with this world alone
So I fake it and leave my feelings postponed

All the while I feel as if they are eating me alive
Holding on just enough to survive

Pushing everyone close far away
Not wanting my feelings to display

Emotions are starting to numb
Death inside has already succumb

These words will be my only confession
I just don’t know how to get out of this deep depression

© copyright Tue Oct 13 7:31:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved


Angela said...

JStar, I have been where you are. Please get help! Don't give up because you WILL get through this! Please see a good psychiatrist for medication and a clinical psychologist to help work through your issues. You are capable of feeling joy again, believe me. I went through it, (major depression) and I considered suicide too, but I chose life and trust me, your girls need you well again - don't ever think they don't need you, even though right now, your self-esteem is so low. Please don't harm yourself - get help, please - you will grow through this and you will feel joy again! Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255), the American suicide help-line as they are there to help if you are feeling so bad, right now. I'm praying for you and you will be happy again. Just get help, please! God is caring for you even though you may feel abandoned by Him right now. Have faith and you will feel better - you will also help others as I have done for friends and family - one day you'll look back and realise this current pain is actually a blessing because you will understand others' pain. Warmest blessings, Angela xx

JStar said...

Thanks A LOT Angela!! Yea, I am battling with the idea of going and talking to someone. I know meds will help, I just dont want to be on meds. But right about now, anything will be better than what I am feeling. I have batteled my entire life with suicide and have overcame that one. I do not want to be the one to end my life, but I am tired of feeling what I am feeling. Before I had reasons to be depressed, now I have no reasons and am still haunted by my past. I just dont know how to be happy anymore. I fake it so much, that no one even knows. But there are times when I just cant fake it...Its a battle I have been struggling with for as long as I can remember and I just dont know how to stop feeling this way. All my friends have encouraged me to go and see someone, I just feel weird talking to someone that I do not know, but the people that know me just dont understand and cant help either...Writing my feelings out on paper are helping a little, just not enough...My faith in God and my daughters are my will to continue...

E's said...

Powerful. The comments above are powerful too. I'm glad you've found one outlet - writing. It would be good to try the medical outlet too prolly... Continue to write tho - your pains, joys, relationships, and life in general. I'm enjoying reading.

JStar said...

Thanks E- Yea I been on the phone with different counselors and getting the run around with my insurance, so I am still digging deeper. I am 34 and never been to one yet...We will see I guess...Thanks, writing does help...and esp when people respond having gone through the same thing. It helps me to know that my words can comfort others...That’s why I just started to share...

Unbreakable said...

1st this is very well written i can feel your pain through your writing and i have first hand experience i hope writing help to a certain extent to pull you through but as many before me has said seek professional help or a friend who you could try and feel totally comfortable taking to as an outlet.

Wish you all the best

JStar said...

Thanks Unbreakable! Yes, I am exploring those avenues as we speak. Not having much luck but my next step is through my church. Friends cant offer but so much and a shoulder to cry on isnt helping...Thanks for everyone's support...They say admitting it is the first step to recovery...

Angela said...

Hi again Jennifer, I think it was fate that you are the first blog I ever looked for, and found - of course I searched depression because it's close to my heart. I had just returned from the cinema seeing "Julia and Julie" which of course is all about blogging, so I decided to search the blogs and I found your poem/blog posted 9 minutes earlier. Here we are on opposite sides of the globe (I'm in Australia and it was very late at night) and we are sharing our experiences - isn't the intenet an amazing thing! You know Jennifer I also resisted the idea of medication, but to be honest, I'm so happy now I don't care if I'm on it for the rest of my life. You know, a diabetic takes insulin, so what's the difference here? Our brain needs help to keep our seratonin (the happy chemical) in sufficient stores. And also, my research shows that I don't think the side-effects are anything to worry about and believe me, I'm a health-nut and HATE the idea of taking meds. But I'm now on a lower maintenance dose of anti-depressant and I'll be quite happy to stay on it because I'd rather take a pill and be happy and at peace, than be too proud to take a pill and be miserable! You will get through this Jennifer - I am here for you dear friend :) I had the breakdown when I was 34 too with two beautiful sons, God bless 'em, (I'm now turning 40) and I'm so grateful that deep, dark period is over - I hope it never returns but only God knows... It will pass for you too, just get help. If you can, see a good psychiatrist because they understand which med will be the best bet for you to try first. It can be a bit trial-and-error getting the right one but if you can get the right one, life will be so much better and you'll be happier. Remember, I'm here with you on this if you would like me to be there with you, Angela xx

J. Davis said...

JStar, very emotional and powerful words and imagery. Depression is no joke, and I feel you, been down that road myself. Writing does provide a great release. If you can't get pro help, I hope you have someone close to open up to and share your feelings. Many times talking through the pain is one of the best healers there is. Keep the faith, and stay strong for your children!

JStar said...

Thanks Angela...Yea, I believe nothing is coincidence...God brings people in your lives for reasons...I am truly thankful for your messages yesterday. You said everything I needed to hear...Please save me as a friend and feel free to email me msjstar@ymail.com I called all day yesterday with no luck but I will keep trying. If not I will go through my church...

J Davis-Thanks a lot...Yea depression is no joke. I have been dealing with it as long as I could remember...Even as a young kid I was depressed for no reason at all...Now I have reasons and memories keep haunting me...

Angela said...

You know, if you've grappled with depression for many years, with or without reason, it may be because of a chemical imbalance in your brain...

Whilst prayer is important, I believe (through experience) that no amount of prayer or counselling will be enough to change the chemical imbalance - if that is the case, you may need medication.

Counselling can help to change the unhelpful thoughts and thought processes which can exacerbate depression, but may not be enough to address the chemical imbalance behind "clinical depression".

By all means take comfort in your church, writing, counselling, etc., but they alone are not likely to be the answer if you have "clinical depression."

You know, Dr Phil hit it on the head when he said "If you're drowning, pray like hell, but swim for the shore." So true!

Believe me, prayer may get you through alive, but the right meds are what keeps you afloat and able to enjoy swimming once you're out of danger!

Keep an open mind, though, if you choose to go down the medication path, not every med will necessarily agree with you first go, so monitor how you feel and if it's not agreeing with you or the depression worsens tell your psychiatrist so they can prescribe an alternative med.

Anyway, always have hope because there is light at the end of the tunnel and we grow through those periods of suffering in our lives. God bless...

JStar said...

Thank you Angela...This is the same way that I have been thinking but attempting to deny...I totally agree with you...Not having much luck...But will keep trying

Angela said...

Hang in there, Jennifer.
When I was going through it, my very wise sister-in-law said to me at the time, "There's no shame in getting help for this, there's only shame in not getting help", so make your health and well-being your top priority for the sake of you and your precious girls and all will be fine. Just hang in there - challenge those negative thoughts and divert your attention to positive personal messages as best you can, and remember, "this too shall pass." Have a beautiful weekend and enjoy your daughters, Angela :)

JStar said...

Thanks Angela! FYI I have an appointment this thursday :)

Angela said...

Hi Jennifer, sorry for the late reply - life is so busy at the moment! I'm glad to hear you're seeing a doctor, hopefully a good psychiatrist. Hope it all goes well and that you feel much better, quickly. Just note, though, if meds are prescribed, it can be 4-6 weeks before you get benefits and your mood lifts. If you feel worse, definitely tell your psychiatrist so he can re-evaluate the plan. Have faith and keep praying 'cause it helps, as you already know. Also, professional counselling by a Psychologist can be a really great help to learn so much about our perspectives, thinking processes and coping strategies. God bless, Angela xxx