Friday, November 13, 2009


I met him in 2002, being his supervisor on his part time job
He looked so good in his uniform
Being around him made me feel alive
He was there for me when I was going through it
With my now ex husband
His commitment to the Navy kept us apart for years
Then he got sent to VA Beach which was in driving distance
I drove there to pick him up from the airport
Even after the years had passed
My feelings for him came rushing back
We made love for the very first time
It felt so natural, like nothing I had experienced
But he didn’t know my past
I felt as if I weren’t good enough for him
So I pushed him away time and time again
But we couldn’t resist one another
The more I pushed him away
The closer I wanted to pull him to me
Around him I want to be a better person
So I pretended to be someone that I am not
I wasn’t sure if I could be the woman that he needed
Doubting myself and his love I pushed him away again
He got suspicious and did some research
Found out everything I was ashamed of
And didn’t want him to know about me
Each question brought from my lies
Brought back all my pain
All of the things I could never forgive myself for
He now knew it all
And he is the only person on this earth that knows
I should have been upset that he snooped
But in a way I was relieved
That someone else knew
Now I have to let go and move on
And as much as I tried to deny my love for him
He is all that I can think about
He is all that I want
Now he is not sure
That I am ready for what he has to offer
But I think I am ready to move on with my life
And stop allowing my insecurities control
I guess only time can tell
What life has in store
Now I am learning patience
Even though it’s hard to swallow
Since I am such an impulsive person
He challenges me and I think I need that in my life
To stay focused on the path that I desire
I think we could be good for each other
If I stop doubting myself
And allow myself to let go of my fears
Allow him to love me the way I need to be loved
I feel now I can give him the love that I feel inside
That has been buried so deep
That I wasn’t sure it actually existed
I am ready to stop running from love
Running from the demons that haunt my soul
I am ready to be happy
Truly happy, no longer pretending
Now my only challenge is letting go
And allowing true love to take over
My biggest challenge is showing him
That my love is true and I am ready to love him
The way he deserves


Liam said...

If this was a perfect world then you could simply be honest with people and they would respect you for your integrity.

Unfortunately that is not the case.

I got lucky my girlfriend doesn't really believe me about my past. I see no need to prove it to her. I have told her and that's it. I didn't elaborate. So my responsibility is done. If I had it all to do again I probably would not have told her anything.

I know that's wrong but why shouldn't we have the right to keep our pasts the past?

If I was you I would do just that keep my past to myself and perhaps a professional therapist.

JStar said...

I agree to a certain extent Liam. Our past is what makes us who we are today and you dont fully understand a person without knowing there past. He knows it ALL, every single gory detail and still loves, respects and wants me. I mean he saw emails, pictures and video...Everything...And you know what, it made me feel closer to him than anyone else on this earth. I am kinda glad that he does know of all that now...Who knows if we will work out, but at least I know I will always have a friend...and I cant help who I love...

JStar said...

Another thing is, that he has been the only one who even cared to know about my past and that speaks volumes to me. I am a very confusing person and no one every gets me or my reasoning. I have two other good options as far a men, but he is the only one I feel that connection with. The only one who cares whats really on my mind and in my heart...

JStar said...

The only man who even reads my poetry. and you know that my poetry is my heart on paper...That speaks even bigger volumes to me...

Liam said...

We are all complicated beings and we should all follow our hearts. But I do know my fellow breed. We are the masters of pretending that certain things don't bother us until we have finished getting what we want.

A sure way to see if a man is serious. Just ask him to make a commitment. Then you will see his true colours.

I'm sure you choose your friends wisely and they are probably the exceptions. But there is only so much past a man can handle.

JStar said...

I totally agree with you Liam. The commitment thing he wants, just as the other two options also want. I am the one that is scared of that lol...But I am trying to grow and open up to the idea.