It all started with a cough that just wouldn't go away
He still hadn't even admitted he was gay
He felt sick every day, he knew something wasn't quite right
He didn't have the strength anymore to fight this fight
After confirmation, then came deep depression
His family finally heard his heartfelt confessions
Depression took over and consumed
His worst fears were a reality and no longer assumed
He gave up hope completely
He was grieving inside deeply
Seclusion was his first defense
Total lies his lover told were the greatest offense
He now needed assistance with moms care
The pain was more then he could bare
His body was covered with a horrible rash
Continuously cursing at everyone, breaking moms heart with each lash
He didn't have the energy to get out of bed
It caused extreme pain to even move his head
Thresh would build up in his throat causing him to choke
His only enjoyment was his coffee and to smoke
His friends didn't understand and was scared to come around
Feelings of abandonment were profound
He lost so much weight that he looked like a skeleton covered with skin
He felt as if he were being punished for his sins
He refused his medication because he no longer wanted his life prolonged
This world he never felt as if he really belonged
He was always teased and tortured his entire childhood
It was obvious he was gay just by the way he stood
In his final days he told mom he saw God and that He needed him
He said the flowers in His garden were so amazingly beautiful even down to the stems
But he didn't want to leave his mother here
She told him his time to leave was near
She would miss him dearly but couldn't stand to see him suffer another day
Saying goodbye to her son wasn't easy finding the right words to say
Watching the constant torture was driving her insane
After three long years of suffering and pain
I knew he was gone at 5am, as soon as I heard the phone ringing
It sounded just like the angels were singing
He was now pain free and in a better place
Now life without him was not easy to face
I have lost my motivation
My need for a standing ovation
Its hard to write when things are down
And even harder to reverse this frown
Everything is hitting me all at once
Piling up for months
My faith is constantly being tested
My mind is restless
Confusion invades
Scattered thoughts persuade
A strong need to release
And again find that inner peace
Rebuking these constant attacks
Forcing my motivation back
Well I am going to try to read two of my pieces tonight. Trying so hard to get over my stage frieght. I am going to read "Whisper" and "Real" that have been recently posted. Please pray that I can get through this..this time
Soft whispers in my ear
Ignoring the sounds that I hear
Heading in the direction I feel
Forgetting nightly to kneel
Stressing because nothing is going as planned
And I don't understand
Not happy with the person I became
But still I don't hear Him calling my name
Daily He makes his presence known
The inevitable postponed
Until I had no choice but to turn to Him
Bringing light to what was once dim
Overwhelming feelings
Of an inner healing
Letting go of personal expectations
No longer worrying about complications
My path is now clear
Allowing His word to adhere
In His joy I rejoice
Reconizing His voice
A wordsmith left speechless
Unable to capture the intensity of feelings felt
No rythmn can display the beating of my heart
The depths of this love no one can envision
Justice not conveyed in the simplicity of words
I love from the core of my soul,
With everything in me
Freely given yet sometimes stolen,
At times my mind and heart don't agree
I haven't always made smart choices,
Giving my love to those that didn't deserve
Ignoring the signs and inner voices,
Even went years with my love on reserve
Ran from true love staring me in the face,
Scared to again be hurt
Although my heart was still beating at a rapid pace,
My one and only I chose to dessert
But without his love I couldn't breathe,
Feeling totally empty and alone
As much as I denied true love was already concieved,
Chill bumps formed from just his tone
My whole heart is only his to claim,
All the love inside that I have to give
Since the day we met I have never been the same,
That love we once shared I want to relive
Looking for your love in all the wrong faces
Running from you, leaving my heart displaced
The more I ran, the more I wanted you
I have always been yours, and you always knew
Loving you scared me to my core
But always left me wanting more
I allowed past mistakes to interfere
With what I already knew to be sincere
Even when we became distant
Attempting to be resistant
Everything in me, loves you with everything I have to give
That place in me that your love lives
No one can replace
With any other face
I can no longer deny how I feel
I can no longer run from what's real
Keep checking my phone,
Making sure I haven't missed a call or text
My heart is aching for your touch,
Loving you is a natural reflex
Missing time spent,
The feel of your kisses absorbed
Can't get enough of you,
Wanting you more and more
Your voice rings in my ear
Your tone makes me feel as your near
Anticipating the day our eyes again meet
Giving in to our hearts defeat
You are the air in my lungs
The ink that bleeds from my pen
Displaying life inspirations
My heart beats to its own rythmn
Poetry imerges from my pores
I reposted the last three poems for easy access became I was to do a reading. I tried soo hard but soooooo choked
Hollowed heart and dented frame
Buried deep, love remnants remain
Echoes of repeated mistakes
Mind no longer aches
Inner peace and joy refill
With the strength of God's will
Truth no longer concealed
Once broken, now healed
Mind drifting to places unknown
Sighs float in the wind like a whisper
Smelling the frangrance of his cologne
Images are bright and getting crisper
Seconds and hours disappear
Times lost does not return
The past seems far but near
Feelings capture and do not adjourn
Moments embraced as the clock ticks
Words no longer able to say
Broken promises remain unfixed
Memories constantly replay
Lying here in this bed next to him
Wanting him to touch and love me until my knees go numb
Longing to feel his soft kisses on my neck
Loving me all the way down past the small of my back
His hands gently caressing my thighs
Making my senses alert and sensitive to his touch
Craving to feel him deep inside
Taking me to our sensual place
Induldging into pure ecstasy
Falling asleep in his arms
Awakening to his much desired kisses
But instead
I lay next to this man that I love with every molecule of my body
Hurting, missing the love we shared
Both knowing we cannot be, not now
But our love is so powerful it keeps pulling us back
Now we lay here as two friends would
Pretending we don't want to give in
Just once more...
Sorry for the long hiatas. Soo much has been going on in my world, good and bad. I was originally working hard doing end of fiscal year close outs just to find out that our company lost our contract last week. So after the inital shock of being jobless I am now motivated and positvely pursuing where I want my career to go. With the help of good friends and my faith, I know bigger and better things are coming and I can no longer worry. Now that I will have plenty of time on my hands I will have no exuse not to write :)
I was having trouble posting from the bloggerdroid app so I am now posting from the reg blogger app so I hope this one works better.
