This is the end of this horrible decade, so I am riding my heart from the horrors that still haunt me...I wrote this in third person because even writing it I still had yet to admit this...Actually I have never admitted it to anyone other than in this poem...
Jobless and homeless
Nowhere to turn
Not sure what to do
Her kids need to eat
And need a place to sleep
No one to help
Feeling completely alone
Only decision that is feasible
Giving up her kids
For now at least
Hungry, cold and confused
Desperation takes over
Standing on a DC street corner
Praying no one stops
But then brake lights shine
A white car stops, pricing discussed
Not offering enough
But she is desperate and accepts
As she sat in the seat next to him
Terror took over her thoughts
Reliving previous rapes as an adolescent
Wishing she never got in the car
But it’s too late now
He is asking questions but she can’t hear
They stop in an alley
She wants this to hurry up and be done
She pulls down her pants just enough for him to enter
Makes sure he uses the condoms she brought
Doesn’t trust him at all
Bends over and tells him only from the back
So she doesn’t have to see his face
Thank God it was over fast
Pulls up her pants and walks away into the night
Feeling dirty and raunchy
Tears flowing down her cheeks
When her boyfriend finds her
He tells her to get in the car
Then yanks her out by her hair
Earrings fly across the pavement
Beats her repeatedly with rage in his eyes
He was someone that she never knew
He takes the money she just sold her soul for
Alone in the shower for nearly 4 hours
Trying to wash away the filth
But it still remains within her soul
Memories will haunt for decades
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Addiction
Ok, this is also something from this decade that I am healing from so this is my second post today...With this poem. This started the downward spiral in my life...Then the Homelessness and I will follow with my other deep scar next...
I will post somethign my girl Tiff just sent me :)
The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you do it right, you'll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances & never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you. Sometimes, you just have to smile, pretend everything's okay, hold back the tears and walk away. If you want to see the rainbow you must go through the rain. If you want TRUE LOVE you must go through the pain. Women were made from a man's rib, not from his head to be superior, not from his feet to be walked on, but from his side to be equal, from under the arm to be protected, and from next to the heart to be loved.
Mind focused on one thing only
While your wife is at home sick of being lonely
All responsibilities are out the door
Her cries you again ignore
You will do whatever you have to do
Any lies you can construe
Nothing or no one else is more essential
Losing all self worth and potential
Stealing the kids toys and bikes
Hurting her with each continuous strike
Selling your soul with each puff of the pipe
Polluting your mind with each line you swipe
Either death or prison awaits
Only God can determine your fate
Prison takes you away from everyone
The pain you have caused cannot be undone
Now you have taken a life in sorrow
All your dreams and hopes of tomorrow
Will be lived behind those bars
Your family will continue to feel the scars
Your addiction left behind
Memories of torture to remind
Pain endured will last a lifetime
You’re not the only one paying for your crime
You’re addiction affected everyone around you
And broke the hearts of the one’s who truly love you
© copyright Tue Aug 10 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I will post somethign my girl Tiff just sent me :)
The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you do it right, you'll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances & never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you. Sometimes, you just have to smile, pretend everything's okay, hold back the tears and walk away. If you want to see the rainbow you must go through the rain. If you want TRUE LOVE you must go through the pain. Women were made from a man's rib, not from his head to be superior, not from his feet to be walked on, but from his side to be equal, from under the arm to be protected, and from next to the heart to be loved.
Mind focused on one thing only
While your wife is at home sick of being lonely
All responsibilities are out the door
Her cries you again ignore
You will do whatever you have to do
Any lies you can construe
Nothing or no one else is more essential
Losing all self worth and potential
Stealing the kids toys and bikes
Hurting her with each continuous strike
Selling your soul with each puff of the pipe
Polluting your mind with each line you swipe
Either death or prison awaits
Only God can determine your fate
Prison takes you away from everyone
The pain you have caused cannot be undone
Now you have taken a life in sorrow
All your dreams and hopes of tomorrow
Will be lived behind those bars
Your family will continue to feel the scars
Your addiction left behind
Memories of torture to remind
Pain endured will last a lifetime
You’re not the only one paying for your crime
You’re addiction affected everyone around you
And broke the hearts of the one’s who truly love you
© copyright Tue Aug 10 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Homeless
I wrote and posted this back in August, but since I am attempting to let go of my past in order to move toward my future I want to post about the bad so that I can be thankful for where I am now going into this New Year. I am still no where near where I want to be in my life and feeling a bit unsatisfied...So, this is a reminder of what I went through just 3 years ago...And this only scratched the surface...
I just received this message from a very good friend :) Love ya Tiff...I just thought I'd share!!!
There comes a point n ur life when u realize: Who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, an who always will, so dont worry about people from the past, there is a reason they didnt make it 2 ur future
It all started when my marriage crumbled into ashes
My life went crashing
I had no idea what was about to transpire
Distress got me fired
Life turning upside down
So called friends are nowhere to be found
Had to make the hardest decision
Sending my children to daddy was more than I could envision
Endured unimaginable affliction
Starting all from the first eviction
Living place to place was not where they needed to be
Sleeping and eating daily was not a guarantee
No one showed me compassion
Generosity only came in rations
Times got desperate
Keeping mind and body separate
As I did things I never thought I could do
Putting myself in situations I wish no one had to ever go through
I learned no one truly cares
Except the Man above, who I send my tearful prayers
Had to learn how to humble myself and set my pride aside
Having faith that He will always provide
All along He heard my silent plea
After I learned my lessons He started blessing me
Sending me in the direction I needed to succeed
Gaining the strength to proceed
He carried me through the horrors of the streets
My fears I have no choice but to defeat
© copyright Tue Aug 11 9:00:02 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I just received this message from a very good friend :) Love ya Tiff...I just thought I'd share!!!
There comes a point n ur life when u realize: Who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, an who always will, so dont worry about people from the past, there is a reason they didnt make it 2 ur future
It all started when my marriage crumbled into ashes
My life went crashing
I had no idea what was about to transpire
Distress got me fired
Life turning upside down
So called friends are nowhere to be found
Had to make the hardest decision
Sending my children to daddy was more than I could envision
Endured unimaginable affliction
Starting all from the first eviction
Living place to place was not where they needed to be
Sleeping and eating daily was not a guarantee
No one showed me compassion
Generosity only came in rations
Times got desperate
Keeping mind and body separate
As I did things I never thought I could do
Putting myself in situations I wish no one had to ever go through
I learned no one truly cares
Except the Man above, who I send my tearful prayers
Had to learn how to humble myself and set my pride aside
Having faith that He will always provide
All along He heard my silent plea
After I learned my lessons He started blessing me
Sending me in the direction I needed to succeed
Gaining the strength to proceed
He carried me through the horrors of the streets
My fears I have no choice but to defeat
© copyright Tue Aug 11 9:00:02 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, December 28, 2009
Let Me Love You
We’ve had our share of ups and downs
At times we thought we couldn’t get through together
Saying goodbye is all to familiar heartbreaking sounds
But your love still grazes my heart as calming as a feather
We’ve attempted to walk away time after time
But the love we share is out of our control
Any rough mountain with you I am willing to climb
You hold the only key to my inner soul
These feelings are deeper than we thought possible
Still we keep our guards up, ready and armed
Instead we need to completely give in to the impossible
Take cover within one another and completely unarm
I guarantee I would satisfy every need or desire
Want for nothing because I am all yours for the taking
I can provide you with ANYTHING you require
To fulfill your every fantasy my heart is aching
Just let go and let me completely love you
I promise you will have no regrets
Within our love we entirely subdue
Any disappointments you will soon forget
Baby, just let go and let me completely love you…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
At times we thought we couldn’t get through together
Saying goodbye is all to familiar heartbreaking sounds
But your love still grazes my heart as calming as a feather
We’ve attempted to walk away time after time
But the love we share is out of our control
Any rough mountain with you I am willing to climb
You hold the only key to my inner soul
These feelings are deeper than we thought possible
Still we keep our guards up, ready and armed
Instead we need to completely give in to the impossible
Take cover within one another and completely unarm
I guarantee I would satisfy every need or desire
Want for nothing because I am all yours for the taking
I can provide you with ANYTHING you require
To fulfill your every fantasy my heart is aching
Just let go and let me completely love you
I promise you will have no regrets
Within our love we entirely subdue
Any disappointments you will soon forget
Baby, just let go and let me completely love you…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Love
When I first meet you I wasn’t sure what would unfold
The chemistry we had could not go untold
As soon as we laid eyes on each other we connected
It was like when I looked in your eyes I saw my life reflected
I felt as if I couldn’t get enough
Of you, Like you were sent from above
I could feel your love up my spine
You were someone that I can spend all of my time
I just had to make you mine
Your body I desire
Your love sets my heart on fire
You are just what I needed in my life
My heart feels like a kite floating in the sky
You make me feel so good inside
Any instructions I can abide
You inside me is what I lust
Experiencing you is a must
Making love to you is like no other
You are the best lover
Friend and confidant that I could have asked for
I couldn’t have wished for more
We are so much alike it is unreal
My heart is yours to steal
Wonderful is the way you make me feel
You keep me flowing like a river
You make my body quiver
They way I feel is indescribable
Words do not give it justice, it is unbelievable
Anytime you need me look to your right, I will always be by your side
I am here for that long ride
Anything that comes our way we can handle
Our love will never go out like a candle
Anytime you feel like you need me just call
I will be there giving you my all
I love you boo
And will do anything for you
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
The chemistry we had could not go untold
As soon as we laid eyes on each other we connected
It was like when I looked in your eyes I saw my life reflected
I felt as if I couldn’t get enough
Of you, Like you were sent from above
I could feel your love up my spine
You were someone that I can spend all of my time
I just had to make you mine
Your body I desire
Your love sets my heart on fire
You are just what I needed in my life
My heart feels like a kite floating in the sky
You make me feel so good inside
Any instructions I can abide
You inside me is what I lust
Experiencing you is a must
Making love to you is like no other
You are the best lover
Friend and confidant that I could have asked for
I couldn’t have wished for more
We are so much alike it is unreal
My heart is yours to steal
Wonderful is the way you make me feel
You keep me flowing like a river
You make my body quiver
They way I feel is indescribable
Words do not give it justice, it is unbelievable
Anytime you need me look to your right, I will always be by your side
I am here for that long ride
Anything that comes our way we can handle
Our love will never go out like a candle
Anytime you feel like you need me just call
I will be there giving you my all
I love you boo
And will do anything for you
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Friday, December 18, 2009
Mirror
As I look in the mirror at my reflection
I can only see my imperfections
Trying hard to point out the good within me
Discovering what others can clearly see
Searching my soul for my purpose here
Wanting my fears to just disappear
Gaining strength to fulfill my goals
Desiring again to feel complete and whole
Seeking out in my life what’s missing
Pushing past my thoughts constantly reminiscing
Overlooking nightmares haunting
Attempting to cease the persistent taunting
Wondering how my experiences can benefit others
Hoping my joy and pain can help another
Spreading my life through my words
Speaking my truths that were previously unheard
Looking past my physical appearance
Ignoring the usual interference
Exploring all possible resolutions
Not focusing on any other conclusions
Making my place in this universe
Sending all negative energy into reverse
My destination route is now clearer
Double checking my reflection in the mirror
© copyright Wed Oct 14 7:51:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I can only see my imperfections
Trying hard to point out the good within me
Discovering what others can clearly see
Searching my soul for my purpose here
Wanting my fears to just disappear
Gaining strength to fulfill my goals
Desiring again to feel complete and whole
Seeking out in my life what’s missing
Pushing past my thoughts constantly reminiscing
Overlooking nightmares haunting
Attempting to cease the persistent taunting
Wondering how my experiences can benefit others
Hoping my joy and pain can help another
Spreading my life through my words
Speaking my truths that were previously unheard
Looking past my physical appearance
Ignoring the usual interference
Exploring all possible resolutions
Not focusing on any other conclusions
Making my place in this universe
Sending all negative energy into reverse
My destination route is now clearer
Double checking my reflection in the mirror
© copyright Wed Oct 14 7:51:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Free
Sometimes I just want to be alone
To be invisible and unknown
In my own little space
No one to chase
No one around
Completely quiet, hearing no sounds
Not dealing with anyone’s attitude
Not having to show anyone gratitude
Just free to be me
No rules and no guarantee
Feeling only my own thoughts and dreams
No one hearing my inner screams
Dealing with self first and foremost
Mind escaping into the unknown, curtains finally closed
Going anywhere my heart desires
Feeding my soul with what it requires
Just completely loving me
Being free to just be me…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
To be invisible and unknown
In my own little space
No one to chase
No one around
Completely quiet, hearing no sounds
Not dealing with anyone’s attitude
Not having to show anyone gratitude
Just free to be me
No rules and no guarantee
Feeling only my own thoughts and dreams
No one hearing my inner screams
Dealing with self first and foremost
Mind escaping into the unknown, curtains finally closed
Going anywhere my heart desires
Feeding my soul with what it requires
Just completely loving me
Being free to just be me…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Beauty
Fresh hair cut and color; make up looking fierce
Eyes deep enough to pierce
My fresh black pumps with the newly manicured toes out
Looks are deceiving; inside I am overcoming self doubt
Tight, sexy dark blue jeans with the red low cut top
Making all the on-looking men’s jaw drop
Cute baby face on the outside
But who wants to really know the complete inside
Short in height and small in frame
Does anyone care what’s really in my brain
Focused and professional, but always real
When will someone truly care how I really feel
Smiling face in front of the others
Can we truly trust one another
Not impressed unless they can really connect mentally
And not only for satisfaction that only last’s momentarily
The eyes are the key to ones soul
Look deep inside that person and see their true role
Everyone in life is not for keeps
Every night I singly sleep
Choosing not to settle for less than I deserve
My full heart I have chosen to reserve
It’s not in my physical description, but what’s in my heart
My inner beauty is my true work of art
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Eyes deep enough to pierce
My fresh black pumps with the newly manicured toes out
Looks are deceiving; inside I am overcoming self doubt
Tight, sexy dark blue jeans with the red low cut top
Making all the on-looking men’s jaw drop
Cute baby face on the outside
But who wants to really know the complete inside
Short in height and small in frame
Does anyone care what’s really in my brain
Focused and professional, but always real
When will someone truly care how I really feel
Smiling face in front of the others
Can we truly trust one another
Not impressed unless they can really connect mentally
And not only for satisfaction that only last’s momentarily
The eyes are the key to ones soul
Look deep inside that person and see their true role
Everyone in life is not for keeps
Every night I singly sleep
Choosing not to settle for less than I deserve
My full heart I have chosen to reserve
It’s not in my physical description, but what’s in my heart
My inner beauty is my true work of art
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Feeling Love
I am very confusing and emotional
But my love to the fullest is purely unconditional
If you can see past my inner fears
Look deeper inside, things aren’t always as they appear
Trust is something I still have a hard time believing in
Still feeling so much pain within
Never thinking I was good enough to be loved in return
Loving me is something I had to relearn
Allowing someone in my heart again
Brings up fears that are hard to explain
Just wrap your arms around me and hold on tight
At times I may need reassurance that everything is alright
Be patient as I learn how to love once more
While our love to the fullest we explore
Your love to me almost seems unreal
Assist me while I am learning to feel
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
But my love to the fullest is purely unconditional
If you can see past my inner fears
Look deeper inside, things aren’t always as they appear
Trust is something I still have a hard time believing in
Still feeling so much pain within
Never thinking I was good enough to be loved in return
Loving me is something I had to relearn
Allowing someone in my heart again
Brings up fears that are hard to explain
Just wrap your arms around me and hold on tight
At times I may need reassurance that everything is alright
Be patient as I learn how to love once more
While our love to the fullest we explore
Your love to me almost seems unreal
Assist me while I am learning to feel
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, December 14, 2009
My Sunrise
Your love is like the sunrise
Being there indefinite is not a compromise
Like the water fall
So elegant and pouring you it’s all
Like an ocean
Not always smooth but deep with emotion
Like a rose
With time matures and grows
Like a mountain
Strong and never doubting
Like a river
Continuously flowing, making me quiver
Like a flower
Beautiful and ready to empower
Like a beach
Relaxing with destination out of reach
Like the clouds
It’s presence is endowed
Like a Lion and cub
Secure, safe and always filled with love
Like a home
Stable, domesticated and never alone
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Being there indefinite is not a compromise
Like the water fall
So elegant and pouring you it’s all
Like an ocean
Not always smooth but deep with emotion
Like a rose
With time matures and grows
Like a mountain
Strong and never doubting
Like a river
Continuously flowing, making me quiver
Like a flower
Beautiful and ready to empower
Like a beach
Relaxing with destination out of reach
Like the clouds
It’s presence is endowed
Like a Lion and cub
Secure, safe and always filled with love
Like a home
Stable, domesticated and never alone
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Friday, December 11, 2009
Kiss
Kiss me like you never have before
My reservations and hesitations totally ignore
I know I haven’t allowed myself to completely let go
Allowing emotions to reach its plateau
I have been scared to give in
Terrified to truly begin
Kissing you takes things to a new height
Setting a blaze my fears to ignite
Trusting you entirely
Releasing to you my heart in its entirety
Unleashing feelings never felt
While insecurities continue to melt
Demonstrate without words but with actions
Not allowing for any distractions
Feeling again that pure love actually exists
All of these feelings set free just by your loving kiss
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
My reservations and hesitations totally ignore
I know I haven’t allowed myself to completely let go
Allowing emotions to reach its plateau
I have been scared to give in
Terrified to truly begin
Kissing you takes things to a new height
Setting a blaze my fears to ignite
Trusting you entirely
Releasing to you my heart in its entirety
Unleashing feelings never felt
While insecurities continue to melt
Demonstrate without words but with actions
Not allowing for any distractions
Feeling again that pure love actually exists
All of these feelings set free just by your loving kiss
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Distance
The love I feel for you is more than just lust
Even though there are miles of roadway between us
Your love comforts when distance prevails
Depths once thought impossible are now unveiled
We are now again oceans apart
But in your hands you hold the only key to my heart
Whatever comes our way we can transcend
Before we became lovers we began as friends
Our years of friendship has made loving you instinctive
Spending time around you now is purely seductive
I wish I could have you every second of everyday
Since that is impossible today
I will be patient as I prove my love to you
No matter how long it takes, no matter what we have to go through
Our love is in existence
Nothing changes except a little distance
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Even though there are miles of roadway between us
Your love comforts when distance prevails
Depths once thought impossible are now unveiled
We are now again oceans apart
But in your hands you hold the only key to my heart
Whatever comes our way we can transcend
Before we became lovers we began as friends
Our years of friendship has made loving you instinctive
Spending time around you now is purely seductive
I wish I could have you every second of everyday
Since that is impossible today
I will be patient as I prove my love to you
No matter how long it takes, no matter what we have to go through
Our love is in existence
Nothing changes except a little distance
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Devotion
I am not fakin this time around
My feelings for you are deep and profound
I know I hurt you not just once but more than twice
When your love will always suffice
I am ready to give you all of me
Not half or a fraction, ALL of me
You are someone I could commit the rest of my life to
For you there is nothing I wouldnt do
When I am around you my heart skips a beat
My body goes numb from my head to my feet
Nothing else matters, as if time is standing still
Wanting this feeling to last from now until
Forever and a day
Words cant possibly relay all that my heart wants to say
My actions will show my hearts true emotions
To you I pledge my undying devotion
© copyright Wed Dec 09 6:32:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE (My step father)
My feelings for you are deep and profound
I know I hurt you not just once but more than twice
When your love will always suffice
I am ready to give you all of me
Not half or a fraction, ALL of me
You are someone I could commit the rest of my life to
For you there is nothing I wouldnt do
When I am around you my heart skips a beat
My body goes numb from my head to my feet
Nothing else matters, as if time is standing still
Wanting this feeling to last from now until
Forever and a day
Words cant possibly relay all that my heart wants to say
My actions will show my hearts true emotions
To you I pledge my undying devotion
© copyright Wed Dec 09 6:32:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE (My step father)
Monday, December 7, 2009
Awaken
His touch awakens, as a breath of fresh air
His kiss evokes feelings deep
Way beyond a casual affair
With my heart at ease, comes peaceful sleep
His heart soothes inner fears
His eyes confirm sincerity
Wiping away stains left from trails of tears
Walls tumbling, leaving room for prosperity
His personality completely comforts, emotions ignite
His hands guide in new undiscovered directions
Withstanding disagreements, previews a different light
Willingly demonstrates truth behind affections
His voice fills my ears, profoundly outspoken
Words don’t give justice to an unwritten lyric
With him, love prevails the unspoken
His love fully awakens my spirit
His kiss evokes feelings deep
Way beyond a casual affair
With my heart at ease, comes peaceful sleep
His heart soothes inner fears
His eyes confirm sincerity
Wiping away stains left from trails of tears
Walls tumbling, leaving room for prosperity
His personality completely comforts, emotions ignite
His hands guide in new undiscovered directions
Withstanding disagreements, previews a different light
Willingly demonstrates truth behind affections
His voice fills my ears, profoundly outspoken
Words don’t give justice to an unwritten lyric
With him, love prevails the unspoken
His love fully awakens my spirit
Friday, December 4, 2009
Miles Away
Even though you are miles away
My heart only feels the love we share
Our love is powerful and here to stay
I will always feel how much you care
You are within my soul, every fiber in my being
The connection we share is undeniable
We have our problems that were not foreseen
But our love is always reliable
We are worth fighting for
Whatever it takes
Whatever God has in store
No matter how high the stakes
We can surpass, as long as we have each other
The world is our play ground
No one can put us under
Even as problems mound
We will find a way
Hold onto what we have, just don’t give up
And the benefits will come as they may
We have more on our side than luck
I miss you, and will be here
For you no matter what, no matter how long
Because our love will do the steering
There is no way we can go wrong
God will provide us with more
Just learn the lessons that are in store
I wish you weren’t miles away
But this is God’s way
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
My heart only feels the love we share
Our love is powerful and here to stay
I will always feel how much you care
You are within my soul, every fiber in my being
The connection we share is undeniable
We have our problems that were not foreseen
But our love is always reliable
We are worth fighting for
Whatever it takes
Whatever God has in store
No matter how high the stakes
We can surpass, as long as we have each other
The world is our play ground
No one can put us under
Even as problems mound
We will find a way
Hold onto what we have, just don’t give up
And the benefits will come as they may
We have more on our side than luck
I miss you, and will be here
For you no matter what, no matter how long
Because our love will do the steering
There is no way we can go wrong
God will provide us with more
Just learn the lessons that are in store
I wish you weren’t miles away
But this is God’s way
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Trance
At work unable focus on the phone, I’m in my own little zone
Whatever they are talking about is unknown
My mind is in a trance
Focused on last nights romance
I am still feeling your love immersing my pores
My soul kissing yours
The sensual touch of your ecstasy
Bringing reality to our fantasies
Your kisses floating my senses
Naturally your love leaves me defenseless
My hearts pain you completely console
Your love seeping the depths of my heart and soul
My senses redefined and enhanced
Your love locks me in a total trance
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Whatever they are talking about is unknown
My mind is in a trance
Focused on last nights romance
I am still feeling your love immersing my pores
My soul kissing yours
The sensual touch of your ecstasy
Bringing reality to our fantasies
Your kisses floating my senses
Naturally your love leaves me defenseless
My hearts pain you completely console
Your love seeping the depths of my heart and soul
My senses redefined and enhanced
Your love locks me in a total trance
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Emotional Collision
The sound of your voice sends chills up my spine
These feelings inside love defines
Your touch is always a comforting guide
These emotions are like waves about to collide
The scent of you relaxes my senses
And shuts down all the barriers to my defenses
Pure ecstasy soothes my inner soul
My body moves to the music only you can control
Acting out what is felt and not scripted
Like our own language of love has been secretly encrypted
Creating the décor of our personal nirvana
You are my relaxant, better than anyone’s marijuana
Relax and close your eyes; enjoy this as our personal eclipse
Kissing you feels like Heaven piercing through my hips
Embrace as one; our souls adhere
Feel my love immersing into your atmosphere
Pure satisfaction is more than you could ever envision
Conceive within you, and embrace this emotional collision
Of true and unconditional love…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
These feelings inside love defines
Your touch is always a comforting guide
These emotions are like waves about to collide
The scent of you relaxes my senses
And shuts down all the barriers to my defenses
Pure ecstasy soothes my inner soul
My body moves to the music only you can control
Acting out what is felt and not scripted
Like our own language of love has been secretly encrypted
Creating the décor of our personal nirvana
You are my relaxant, better than anyone’s marijuana
Relax and close your eyes; enjoy this as our personal eclipse
Kissing you feels like Heaven piercing through my hips
Embrace as one; our souls adhere
Feel my love immersing into your atmosphere
Pure satisfaction is more than you could ever envision
Conceive within you, and embrace this emotional collision
Of true and unconditional love…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, November 30, 2009
Eclipse
My heart feels like the moon in an eclipse
Craving your kisses on my lips
Remembering the feelings felt picking you up from the airport
Heart pounding like a ball on the basketball court
Your hugs as comforting as a nice warm blanket
Right at that moment my heart flagged a sign that read TAKEN
Every second with you felt as if time stopped
All of my guards immediately dropped
Years of anticipation
Defining my hearts dedication
The second I left your presence
The reassurance of your eyes now in absence
I started doubting myself and constantly analyzing
Debating if this was real or was I just fantasizing
Was it possible for you to love me as you said
But I feel as if I have awakened from the dead
I was terrified of being hurt again
My wounds still had yet to mend
I still remember the pain
When you left to catch the plane
In fear I pushed you away time after time
But I couldn’t run from what had already been defined
My love for you runs deep within
To places no one else has ever been
I am unable to let go
Now I am ready to go all out and allow my love to clearly show
I am ready to prove my loyalty to you
And demonstrate to you that my love is true
I want to no longer reminisce
My heart is now ready to shine through this eclipse
© copyright Tue Nov 30 6:58:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Craving your kisses on my lips
Remembering the feelings felt picking you up from the airport
Heart pounding like a ball on the basketball court
Your hugs as comforting as a nice warm blanket
Right at that moment my heart flagged a sign that read TAKEN
Every second with you felt as if time stopped
All of my guards immediately dropped
Years of anticipation
Defining my hearts dedication
The second I left your presence
The reassurance of your eyes now in absence
I started doubting myself and constantly analyzing
Debating if this was real or was I just fantasizing
Was it possible for you to love me as you said
But I feel as if I have awakened from the dead
I was terrified of being hurt again
My wounds still had yet to mend
I still remember the pain
When you left to catch the plane
In fear I pushed you away time after time
But I couldn’t run from what had already been defined
My love for you runs deep within
To places no one else has ever been
I am unable to let go
Now I am ready to go all out and allow my love to clearly show
I am ready to prove my loyalty to you
And demonstrate to you that my love is true
I want to no longer reminisce
My heart is now ready to shine through this eclipse
© copyright Tue Nov 30 6:58:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
This Time...
Right now my sailor is on a ship
Wishing you were close enough so I could get a grip
Deep into your soul
Years ago my heart you stole
Working together everyday
But our spouses we didn’t want to betray
Your eyes gripping my soul with that smile
My heart pounding all the while
Lusting to wake each day next to you
The roughest times in my life you helped me through
Years have passed but our love and friendship have remained
The deep feelings we have for each other cannot be explained
We now have the chance to explore
True love to its core
Time gave us this chance
And is now allowing us to advance
To depths we only dreamed of
To find out if this is really love
Now that I can claim you as mine
Our hearts can now intertwine
I cannot wait until I feel your arms surrounding me
Turning this love up to the next degree
Now we have a chance to define
These feelings that have grown only stronger over time
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wishing you were close enough so I could get a grip
Deep into your soul
Years ago my heart you stole
Working together everyday
But our spouses we didn’t want to betray
Your eyes gripping my soul with that smile
My heart pounding all the while
Lusting to wake each day next to you
The roughest times in my life you helped me through
Years have passed but our love and friendship have remained
The deep feelings we have for each other cannot be explained
We now have the chance to explore
True love to its core
Time gave us this chance
And is now allowing us to advance
To depths we only dreamed of
To find out if this is really love
Now that I can claim you as mine
Our hearts can now intertwine
I cannot wait until I feel your arms surrounding me
Turning this love up to the next degree
Now we have a chance to define
These feelings that have grown only stronger over time
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Friday, November 20, 2009
Scarred
Unable to trust
Scorned
Cant move beyond lust
Unforgiving
Always skeptical
Tired of giving
Game detectable
Heart torn
Wanting love felt
My heart mourns
Playing cards that are dealt
Unable to give all of me
My love lies enclosed
Unable to set free
True feelings not disclosed
Scarred
Scorned
Unable to trust…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Scorned
Cant move beyond lust
Unforgiving
Always skeptical
Tired of giving
Game detectable
Heart torn
Wanting love felt
My heart mourns
Playing cards that are dealt
Unable to give all of me
My love lies enclosed
Unable to set free
True feelings not disclosed
Scarred
Scorned
Unable to trust…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Honest Scrap Award
Honest Scrap Award (Ok, I dont quite know how to make the picture visible, so here is the link)
I've received the Honest Scrap Award twice on November 6, 2009, from 2 very talented Bloggers!
http://mydownlowlife.blogspot.com/ (Check her recently published book, you will be addicted!!!)
http://lyricalthoughtz.blogspot.com/
Check their blogs out, very intense writing!
Thank you! Its an honor!
Ok 10 things about me:
1. My favorite color is purple.
2. I am still scared of the dark :)
3. I have always been scared to share my poetry and writings because I never thought I was any good. Also, because its my heart and experiences on paper. My brother stole my diary when I was a young teenager and showed my mom. I got in trouble and didnt write anything for 12 years. Then I started writing again and not sharing. I just started sharing when I started this blog, because its easy to share behind a computer and get feed back from people you will never see. And I have yet to edit anything that I have written because it was emotional enough to write. So, exuse anything that doesnt flow right or mis spellings.
4. My daughters are my inspiration and keep me pushing forward.
5. I have been married and divorced twice. My daughters have the same father, my first husband for 9 years. Then married again from a 6 year in total relationship.
6. I have always been a quiet person about my feelings but very social. I am the type of person that gets along with everyone but still keeps that wall up, not to make anyone even notice.
7. I am a sagittarius, My birthday is December 7th. I have always said that is why I am such an emotional person, because I was born on such a tragic day. I feel being emotional makes me a better writer, so I guess it all works out in my favor. Like my purpose in life is to share a message of comfort to others by sharing my experiences.
8. I am addicted to CSI and Law and Order.
9. I really have a boring life. I go to work and come home. I would much rather be at home comfortable and relaxed then to go out.
10. I am a small person :) I am 102 lbs, and 5'3.
Ok, enough about me.
I am going to now award the Honest Scrap Award to the following talented writers:
CONGRATS!!!
1. http://bornunknown.blogspot.com/
2. http://www.thedivasthoughts.com/
3. http://manwithapast1.blogspot.com/
4. http://dee-livinginsingleville.blogspot.com/
5. http://visionarybutterfly.blogspot.com/
6. http://depthpoet.blogspot.com/
7. http://writeinmotion.blogspot.com/
There were a few more that I could have also added...Check out their blogs, and see what they are talking about just as I do!!!
I've received the Honest Scrap Award twice on November 6, 2009, from 2 very talented Bloggers!
http://mydownlowlife.blogspot.com/ (Check her recently published book, you will be addicted!!!)
http://lyricalthoughtz.blogspot.com/
Check their blogs out, very intense writing!
Thank you! Its an honor!
Ok 10 things about me:
1. My favorite color is purple.
2. I am still scared of the dark :)
3. I have always been scared to share my poetry and writings because I never thought I was any good. Also, because its my heart and experiences on paper. My brother stole my diary when I was a young teenager and showed my mom. I got in trouble and didnt write anything for 12 years. Then I started writing again and not sharing. I just started sharing when I started this blog, because its easy to share behind a computer and get feed back from people you will never see. And I have yet to edit anything that I have written because it was emotional enough to write. So, exuse anything that doesnt flow right or mis spellings.
4. My daughters are my inspiration and keep me pushing forward.
5. I have been married and divorced twice. My daughters have the same father, my first husband for 9 years. Then married again from a 6 year in total relationship.
6. I have always been a quiet person about my feelings but very social. I am the type of person that gets along with everyone but still keeps that wall up, not to make anyone even notice.
7. I am a sagittarius, My birthday is December 7th. I have always said that is why I am such an emotional person, because I was born on such a tragic day. I feel being emotional makes me a better writer, so I guess it all works out in my favor. Like my purpose in life is to share a message of comfort to others by sharing my experiences.
8. I am addicted to CSI and Law and Order.
9. I really have a boring life. I go to work and come home. I would much rather be at home comfortable and relaxed then to go out.
10. I am a small person :) I am 102 lbs, and 5'3.
Ok, enough about me.
I am going to now award the Honest Scrap Award to the following talented writers:
CONGRATS!!!
1. http://bornunknown.blogspot.com/
2. http://www.thedivasthoughts.com/
3. http://manwithapast1.blogspot.com/
4. http://dee-livinginsingleville.blogspot.com/
5. http://visionarybutterfly.blogspot.com/
6. http://depthpoet.blogspot.com/
7. http://writeinmotion.blogspot.com/
There were a few more that I could have also added...Check out their blogs, and see what they are talking about just as I do!!!
Real Happiness
Wishing there was something in my life REAL
Tired of the way I constantly feel
Never knowing what it feels like to be loved back
Always giving my all, but getting the same return is where I lack
When will I get back even half of what I give
Just heartache is what I constantly relive
I am the truest person you will ever meet
Why am I being given so much deceit
Why do I keep meeting the same type of people
With this I neal down at the steeple
Pray to God to change my life for the better
Writing down all of my feelings to the letter
Tired of being sick and tired
Stressing over what has transpired
I know real happiness has to be in store
I just can’t take life like this anymore
I deserve so much more
Pain and misery have been implored
I know my true happiness can only come from within
God is the only one else I can truly depend
Waiting for God to continue to bless
With TRUE and uplifting HAPPINESS…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tired of the way I constantly feel
Never knowing what it feels like to be loved back
Always giving my all, but getting the same return is where I lack
When will I get back even half of what I give
Just heartache is what I constantly relive
I am the truest person you will ever meet
Why am I being given so much deceit
Why do I keep meeting the same type of people
With this I neal down at the steeple
Pray to God to change my life for the better
Writing down all of my feelings to the letter
Tired of being sick and tired
Stressing over what has transpired
I know real happiness has to be in store
I just can’t take life like this anymore
I deserve so much more
Pain and misery have been implored
I know my true happiness can only come from within
God is the only one else I can truly depend
Waiting for God to continue to bless
With TRUE and uplifting HAPPINESS…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tasteless
My mouth is dry but I cannot quench my thirst
In a pool of thoughtlessness I am immersed
The world is going on around me
My inner screams are dying to be free
But I choose to remain allusive
Leaving my love and feelings for my own exclusive
Insecurities and heart entwined
Raging their own wars
Not allowing the other to win
And the other not willing to ever give in
Lost hopes and dreams
Are causing two extremes
Emotions remain unfazed
Inside my eternal love is about to set a blaze
But the one that deserves it has not revealed his face
So until he shows himself, I have removed my taste
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
In a pool of thoughtlessness I am immersed
The world is going on around me
My inner screams are dying to be free
But I choose to remain allusive
Leaving my love and feelings for my own exclusive
Insecurities and heart entwined
Raging their own wars
Not allowing the other to win
And the other not willing to ever give in
Lost hopes and dreams
Are causing two extremes
Emotions remain unfazed
Inside my eternal love is about to set a blaze
But the one that deserves it has not revealed his face
So until he shows himself, I have removed my taste
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, November 16, 2009
Moments
Each moment that passes and your arms I can’t feel around me
My heart mourns and I feel as if I can’t breath
I hold onto each happy memory, each kiss
Your warm embrace I miss
My heart and soul is with you each moment of each day
I am trying to express what my heart wants to say
I Love You today, yesterday and each day for the rest of my life
I am honored to be in your life
My heart mourns and I feel as if I can’t breath
I hold onto each happy memory, each kiss
Your warm embrace I miss
My heart and soul is with you each moment of each day
I am trying to express what my heart wants to say
I Love You today, yesterday and each day for the rest of my life
I am honored to be in your life
Friday, November 13, 2009
Challenge
I met him in 2002, being his supervisor on his part time job
He looked so good in his uniform
Being around him made me feel alive
He was there for me when I was going through it
With my now ex husband
His commitment to the Navy kept us apart for years
Then he got sent to VA Beach which was in driving distance
I drove there to pick him up from the airport
Even after the years had passed
My feelings for him came rushing back
We made love for the very first time
It felt so natural, like nothing I had experienced
But he didn’t know my past
I felt as if I weren’t good enough for him
So I pushed him away time and time again
But we couldn’t resist one another
The more I pushed him away
The closer I wanted to pull him to me
Around him I want to be a better person
So I pretended to be someone that I am not
I wasn’t sure if I could be the woman that he needed
Doubting myself and his love I pushed him away again
He got suspicious and did some research
Found out everything I was ashamed of
And didn’t want him to know about me
Each question brought from my lies
Brought back all my pain
All of the things I could never forgive myself for
He now knew it all
And he is the only person on this earth that knows
I should have been upset that he snooped
But in a way I was relieved
That someone else knew
Now I have to let go and move on
And as much as I tried to deny my love for him
He is all that I can think about
He is all that I want
Now he is not sure
That I am ready for what he has to offer
But I think I am ready to move on with my life
And stop allowing my insecurities control
I guess only time can tell
What life has in store
Now I am learning patience
Even though it’s hard to swallow
Since I am such an impulsive person
He challenges me and I think I need that in my life
To stay focused on the path that I desire
I think we could be good for each other
If I stop doubting myself
And allow myself to let go of my fears
Allow him to love me the way I need to be loved
I feel now I can give him the love that I feel inside
That has been buried so deep
That I wasn’t sure it actually existed
I am ready to stop running from love
Running from the demons that haunt my soul
I am ready to be happy
Truly happy, no longer pretending
Now my only challenge is letting go
And allowing true love to take over
My biggest challenge is showing him
That my love is true and I am ready to love him
The way he deserves
He looked so good in his uniform
Being around him made me feel alive
He was there for me when I was going through it
With my now ex husband
His commitment to the Navy kept us apart for years
Then he got sent to VA Beach which was in driving distance
I drove there to pick him up from the airport
Even after the years had passed
My feelings for him came rushing back
We made love for the very first time
It felt so natural, like nothing I had experienced
But he didn’t know my past
I felt as if I weren’t good enough for him
So I pushed him away time and time again
But we couldn’t resist one another
The more I pushed him away
The closer I wanted to pull him to me
Around him I want to be a better person
So I pretended to be someone that I am not
I wasn’t sure if I could be the woman that he needed
Doubting myself and his love I pushed him away again
He got suspicious and did some research
Found out everything I was ashamed of
And didn’t want him to know about me
Each question brought from my lies
Brought back all my pain
All of the things I could never forgive myself for
He now knew it all
And he is the only person on this earth that knows
I should have been upset that he snooped
But in a way I was relieved
That someone else knew
Now I have to let go and move on
And as much as I tried to deny my love for him
He is all that I can think about
He is all that I want
Now he is not sure
That I am ready for what he has to offer
But I think I am ready to move on with my life
And stop allowing my insecurities control
I guess only time can tell
What life has in store
Now I am learning patience
Even though it’s hard to swallow
Since I am such an impulsive person
He challenges me and I think I need that in my life
To stay focused on the path that I desire
I think we could be good for each other
If I stop doubting myself
And allow myself to let go of my fears
Allow him to love me the way I need to be loved
I feel now I can give him the love that I feel inside
That has been buried so deep
That I wasn’t sure it actually existed
I am ready to stop running from love
Running from the demons that haunt my soul
I am ready to be happy
Truly happy, no longer pretending
Now my only challenge is letting go
And allowing true love to take over
My biggest challenge is showing him
That my love is true and I am ready to love him
The way he deserves
Trust
I have learned a lot in my lifetime
And ready to learn more as I continue to climb
I have literally been through hell and back
Constantly fighting away the devils attack
Each day as I pray for relief
I am learning to have confidence in my belief
That He will carry me when I cannot walk
Knowing that He will be my voice when I am unable to talk
Discovering the path that He is leading me toward
Opening doors that were once ignored
Exploring my own inner happiness
He completely fulfills leaving no room for emptiness
Giving God my everlasting trust
Allowing Him to correct the unjust
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
And ready to learn more as I continue to climb
I have literally been through hell and back
Constantly fighting away the devils attack
Each day as I pray for relief
I am learning to have confidence in my belief
That He will carry me when I cannot walk
Knowing that He will be my voice when I am unable to talk
Discovering the path that He is leading me toward
Opening doors that were once ignored
Exploring my own inner happiness
He completely fulfills leaving no room for emptiness
Giving God my everlasting trust
Allowing Him to correct the unjust
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, November 12, 2009
RIP Angie
Today I am not really in the mood to write anything but I do want to take a moment of silence in loving memory of Angela Sternack and Aaron Duke La Belle Jr. Novemember 12, 1996 my best friend in the world since the age of 2 years old, Angie while 9 months pregnant with Aaron ran in the street to chase her dog and was hit by a car. She died instantly right in front of her brother and her baby lived for 15 mins but died because he was crushed. I still remember her funeral vividly. I can never forget the image of her holding her beautiful baby boy in her arms, looking as if they were both sleeping peacefully. I still hear her mother Bonnie's screams. The thing that bothers me is that Angie never got to hold her son or see him while still living. That was her first child. Me and her shared many momments growing up together as friends. I am now listening to the song "Man in the Mirror" & Prince "Purple Rain" :) (on repeat all day) in memory of her. I still miss you Angie!
Angela Lee Sternack
5/15/76-11/12/96
Aaron Duke La Belle Jr
11/12/96-11/12/96
Angela Lee Sternack
5/15/76-11/12/96
Aaron Duke La Belle Jr
11/12/96-11/12/96
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Beauty of the Sky
Sitting there watching the sky
Watching the clouds pass me by
The sky is a deep blue
You can get lost in the clouds for a few
Day dreaming that you are floating on the clouds
Just you, with no one else around
Watching the clouds take a defined form
Observing the sky getting dark for a storm
Fierce lighting blazing
Lying there gazing
In amazement of the sky’s different faces
Dreaming about different places
Watching the sky turn orange and red
As the sun sets while lying there in my bed
In the early morning
Noticing the clouds forming
The purple and blue sky is grabbing my attention
It is too beautiful not to mention
It is breath taking
There is no mistaking
The many different feelings
You can observe the earth’s dealings
Just as our moods can change
The sky is a face that reflects the earth’s strains
Tornados and hurricanes
You respect its reins
Raindrops falling
Cleansing the earth for its calling
Beautiful white snow
In the evening hours you can see its glow
Appreciating the sky’s beauty
As it goes on accomplishing its duty
Lighting striking while it illuminates
The clouds depth and rejuvenates
Lying there observing
The beauty of the sky that is well deserving
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Watching the clouds pass me by
The sky is a deep blue
You can get lost in the clouds for a few
Day dreaming that you are floating on the clouds
Just you, with no one else around
Watching the clouds take a defined form
Observing the sky getting dark for a storm
Fierce lighting blazing
Lying there gazing
In amazement of the sky’s different faces
Dreaming about different places
Watching the sky turn orange and red
As the sun sets while lying there in my bed
In the early morning
Noticing the clouds forming
The purple and blue sky is grabbing my attention
It is too beautiful not to mention
It is breath taking
There is no mistaking
The many different feelings
You can observe the earth’s dealings
Just as our moods can change
The sky is a face that reflects the earth’s strains
Tornados and hurricanes
You respect its reins
Raindrops falling
Cleansing the earth for its calling
Beautiful white snow
In the evening hours you can see its glow
Appreciating the sky’s beauty
As it goes on accomplishing its duty
Lighting striking while it illuminates
The clouds depth and rejuvenates
Lying there observing
The beauty of the sky that is well deserving
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, November 9, 2009
Inner Tears
No one can see me crying
Within I feel like I am dying
No one can hear my silent cries
It’s been so long since I have seen my sunrise
No one can feel my pain
The pain that is driving me insane
Everything looks fine but looks are deceiving
Inside I am constantly grieving
Torturing myself it seems
But no one can hear my screams
No one can rescue me from myself
I can’t seem to put old feelings on the shelf
And let these feelings past
It’s like a spell upon myself, has been cast
Immeasurable pain I feel
I am not sure how much longer I can conceal
I feel as if I am about to explode
Torment has been bestowed
How do I release
And find again that inner peace
Can I get past my fears
Can I stop these inner tears
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Within I feel like I am dying
No one can hear my silent cries
It’s been so long since I have seen my sunrise
No one can feel my pain
The pain that is driving me insane
Everything looks fine but looks are deceiving
Inside I am constantly grieving
Torturing myself it seems
But no one can hear my screams
No one can rescue me from myself
I can’t seem to put old feelings on the shelf
And let these feelings past
It’s like a spell upon myself, has been cast
Immeasurable pain I feel
I am not sure how much longer I can conceal
I feel as if I am about to explode
Torment has been bestowed
How do I release
And find again that inner peace
Can I get past my fears
Can I stop these inner tears
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Friday, November 6, 2009
You're Secret
Can’t continue keeping our love a secret
Tired of having to be discreet
I deserve to be number one in your life
Felt as if I were when you asked me to be your wife
But you just can’t seem to let her go
The lengths I am willing to go, time will only show
I have proven my love to you time and time again
But loving in secret is where we remain
I know the depths of your love for me
But you are scared to let go and love without a guarantee
So we remain in this comfort zone
When you’re with her, I am tired of being home alone
I need more than you are currently giving
Tired of pretending, I am truly not understanding and forgiving
If our love is meant to be it will be
Now we need to set our love free
And see if it returns
We need time to see if our hearts yearn
If our love is worth fighting for
Because I do not want to be you’re secret anymore
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tired of having to be discreet
I deserve to be number one in your life
Felt as if I were when you asked me to be your wife
But you just can’t seem to let her go
The lengths I am willing to go, time will only show
I have proven my love to you time and time again
But loving in secret is where we remain
I know the depths of your love for me
But you are scared to let go and love without a guarantee
So we remain in this comfort zone
When you’re with her, I am tired of being home alone
I need more than you are currently giving
Tired of pretending, I am truly not understanding and forgiving
If our love is meant to be it will be
Now we need to set our love free
And see if it returns
We need time to see if our hearts yearn
If our love is worth fighting for
Because I do not want to be you’re secret anymore
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Souls Kissed
You were the first man I ever dreamed of
The first man I ever wanted to love
Our families and age got in the way
But in my heart you were there to stay
Now decades have passed us by
My feelings I still cannot deny
Since I am still not able to claim you as mine
I didn’t expect our souls to intertwine
All I anticipated was one night of bliss
Now I can’t stop yearning for your kiss
Words can’t give justice to the emotions we shared
No other experience in my life can ever be compared
That comfort zone we find in each other
Can never be found in any other
Now where do we go from here
Our souls have now adhered
There is no turning back now
Our hearts are forever connected regardless of what life will allow
My love for you deep within will always exist
Now that our souls have eternally kissed
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
The first man I ever wanted to love
Our families and age got in the way
But in my heart you were there to stay
Now decades have passed us by
My feelings I still cannot deny
Since I am still not able to claim you as mine
I didn’t expect our souls to intertwine
All I anticipated was one night of bliss
Now I can’t stop yearning for your kiss
Words can’t give justice to the emotions we shared
No other experience in my life can ever be compared
That comfort zone we find in each other
Can never be found in any other
Now where do we go from here
Our souls have now adhered
There is no turning back now
Our hearts are forever connected regardless of what life will allow
My love for you deep within will always exist
Now that our souls have eternally kissed
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Just Once More
Lying here in this bed next to him
Wanting him to touch and love me until my knees go numb
Longing to feel his soft kisses on my neck
Loving me all the way down past the small of my back
His hands caressing my thighs as gentle as a feather
Making my senses alert and sensitive to his touch
Craving to feel him inside
Taking me to our special sensual place
Indulging into pure ecstasy
Falling asleep in his arms, awakening to his much desired kisses
But instead
I lay next to this man I love with every molecule of my body
Hurting, missing the love we shared
Both knowing we cannot be, not now
But the love we share is so powerful and keeps pulling us back
Now we lay here as two friends would
Pretending we don’t want to give in
Just once more…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wanting him to touch and love me until my knees go numb
Longing to feel his soft kisses on my neck
Loving me all the way down past the small of my back
His hands caressing my thighs as gentle as a feather
Making my senses alert and sensitive to his touch
Craving to feel him inside
Taking me to our special sensual place
Indulging into pure ecstasy
Falling asleep in his arms, awakening to his much desired kisses
But instead
I lay next to this man I love with every molecule of my body
Hurting, missing the love we shared
Both knowing we cannot be, not now
But the love we share is so powerful and keeps pulling us back
Now we lay here as two friends would
Pretending we don’t want to give in
Just once more…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Craving
When you are not around,
I am thinking of you constantly
Craving to love you endlessly,
Teasingly and tauntingly
Missing the warmth of your arms
That so lovingly surrounds
With you, my heart is bound
Always wanting your love around…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I am thinking of you constantly
Craving to love you endlessly,
Teasingly and tauntingly
Missing the warmth of your arms
That so lovingly surrounds
With you, my heart is bound
Always wanting your love around…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, November 2, 2009
Loved Anyway
He treated me like shit,
But I loved him anyways
Convincing me of change,
Begging me to stay
Knowing the truth
Knowing he could not be true,
To me
I loved him anyway
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
But I loved him anyways
Convincing me of change,
Begging me to stay
Knowing the truth
Knowing he could not be true,
To me
I loved him anyway
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
What's Love...
Really, truthfully
Two hearts connected as one,
Loving each other endlessly
Accepting each other’s faults
Showing the other unconditional true love
Without expecting anything in return
Supporting one another in everything
No matter the consequence
Agreeing to disagree, communication strengthens
But we are afraid of getting hurt
Lied to, betrayed, or cheated on
Mentally or physically
We are scared to completely let go and wholeheartedly love
My problem is that I don’t know how to love if it’s not completely
Giving my all
I don’t know how to love partially
What’s the point
If it’s not REALLY LOVE…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Two hearts connected as one,
Loving each other endlessly
Accepting each other’s faults
Showing the other unconditional true love
Without expecting anything in return
Supporting one another in everything
No matter the consequence
Agreeing to disagree, communication strengthens
But we are afraid of getting hurt
Lied to, betrayed, or cheated on
Mentally or physically
We are scared to completely let go and wholeheartedly love
My problem is that I don’t know how to love if it’s not completely
Giving my all
I don’t know how to love partially
What’s the point
If it’s not REALLY LOVE…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Friday, October 30, 2009
First Love
Loved you ever since “New Jack City”
Knew right then I wanted to keep you in my vicinity
For you I truly carry an addiction
“Happily ever after” has always been my depiction
As a kid I dreamed of us having kids and getting married
For years I kept my love for you deep inside buried
But I could never let you out of my grip
Until now we’ve missed our chances for an adult relationship
Our friendship has grown stronger and stronger over the years
You’ve always been there to calm my fears and wipe away my tears
Now we are both available to explore
The depths our love can lure
Our friendship makes loving you a given
With you, any mistakes can be forgiven
I’ve always loved you right from the start
You are the only man I could trust with my heart
In my heart you’ve always stood above
You are definitely my first true love…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Knew right then I wanted to keep you in my vicinity
For you I truly carry an addiction
“Happily ever after” has always been my depiction
As a kid I dreamed of us having kids and getting married
For years I kept my love for you deep inside buried
But I could never let you out of my grip
Until now we’ve missed our chances for an adult relationship
Our friendship has grown stronger and stronger over the years
You’ve always been there to calm my fears and wipe away my tears
Now we are both available to explore
The depths our love can lure
Our friendship makes loving you a given
With you, any mistakes can be forgiven
I’ve always loved you right from the start
You are the only man I could trust with my heart
In my heart you’ve always stood above
You are definitely my first true love…
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Silence
Baby, close your eyes and feel with your senses
Shut off all of your defenses
Don’t think with your mind
Witness this as we intertwine
Focus on the energy that is being produced
Absorb it as it is introduced
Into your soul
Conceive me within you as I console
Experience the vibes that we create
These feelings we elate
Put your arms around me and squeeze tight
I invite you to be apart of this plight
Immerse yourself into my atmosphere
Relax as our souls adhere
And become as one
Enjoy what has begun
This can never be undone
We are connected in every way
Notice my persona is displayed
Nothing to hide
These feelings we cannot deny
I embrace the kiss on my lips
This is our personal eclipse
I clutch your gentle touch
Baby, I love you so much
As chills ride my spine
This love we define
But not into words
These feelings can only be felt and not heard
Dip into my intellectual
Make it ever so sensual
And sprinkle me with your trust
This is far beyond lust
This is love that is so true
This love to the fullest we pursue
It is unexplainable science
Feel as I demonstrate my love in silence
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Shut off all of your defenses
Don’t think with your mind
Witness this as we intertwine
Focus on the energy that is being produced
Absorb it as it is introduced
Into your soul
Conceive me within you as I console
Experience the vibes that we create
These feelings we elate
Put your arms around me and squeeze tight
I invite you to be apart of this plight
Immerse yourself into my atmosphere
Relax as our souls adhere
And become as one
Enjoy what has begun
This can never be undone
We are connected in every way
Notice my persona is displayed
Nothing to hide
These feelings we cannot deny
I embrace the kiss on my lips
This is our personal eclipse
I clutch your gentle touch
Baby, I love you so much
As chills ride my spine
This love we define
But not into words
These feelings can only be felt and not heard
Dip into my intellectual
Make it ever so sensual
And sprinkle me with your trust
This is far beyond lust
This is love that is so true
This love to the fullest we pursue
It is unexplainable science
Feel as I demonstrate my love in silence
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Stolen Innocence
I was a virgin, but you stole my substance
Scared, I ly there in silence
Separating my mind, far away from the physical
Mind escaping into the illogical
Not sure what to do or how to feel
Within fears I conceal
Years and years of pain is locked within
Still not able to deal with your sins
These constant fears needs to be released
Learning to regain my confidence at least
Followed now by years of accepting abuse
Denying an inner truce
Time doesn’t make dealing any easier
But the burden continues to get heavier
Lost, loosing all grips of defense
You have just stolen my innocence
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Scared, I ly there in silence
Separating my mind, far away from the physical
Mind escaping into the illogical
Not sure what to do or how to feel
Within fears I conceal
Years and years of pain is locked within
Still not able to deal with your sins
These constant fears needs to be released
Learning to regain my confidence at least
Followed now by years of accepting abuse
Denying an inner truce
Time doesn’t make dealing any easier
But the burden continues to get heavier
Lost, loosing all grips of defense
You have just stolen my innocence
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Letter to my readers
To my readers;
I thank you very much for reading my poetry and commenting. Those comments make me feel good. Like I am actually a good writer lol. Most of my poetry is things that I have actually gone through, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am just real with my writing, and say the truth regardless of what someone may think of me. These are issues that a lot of people deal with or struggle with but haven’t admitted it to themselves much less anyone else. So, I really hope my words touch you, just as these situations have touched me all the way to my soul. It makes my pain worthwhile, if I can touch people with my experiences. If I can comfort them and letting them know that they are not alone. That someone else has gone through this and survived. Then there are things that I write about that I have yet to feel or experience and want. Now, I want to touch areas that I have not gone through, trying to expand my writing to reach all topics that people go through. Writing to me is very therapeutic, so I thank all of my loyal readers for taking time and sharing a moment with me. Please be patient with me as I write things that are difficult for me. All of these things may not be something that I am currently going through, but have been through. Writing helps me release those feelings that I keep bottled up. When I am emotional and hurting, it is really hard for me to write about it at that time. Sometimes I wait years to write about something. I am in the process of putting my poetry together in a story format and will be writing about various topics in order to completely tell my story. I apologize if I say anything to offend anyone. I am telling you now if you don’t already know; I am going to be real and raw. Sit back and relax through my journey called life I also want to pray now for forgiveness about writing secular poetry. These are my experiences and mistakes that I have made, but I have to accept these things in order to move on with my life in the direction I need to be.
Much Love,
JStar
I thank you very much for reading my poetry and commenting. Those comments make me feel good. Like I am actually a good writer lol. Most of my poetry is things that I have actually gone through, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am just real with my writing, and say the truth regardless of what someone may think of me. These are issues that a lot of people deal with or struggle with but haven’t admitted it to themselves much less anyone else. So, I really hope my words touch you, just as these situations have touched me all the way to my soul. It makes my pain worthwhile, if I can touch people with my experiences. If I can comfort them and letting them know that they are not alone. That someone else has gone through this and survived. Then there are things that I write about that I have yet to feel or experience and want. Now, I want to touch areas that I have not gone through, trying to expand my writing to reach all topics that people go through. Writing to me is very therapeutic, so I thank all of my loyal readers for taking time and sharing a moment with me. Please be patient with me as I write things that are difficult for me. All of these things may not be something that I am currently going through, but have been through. Writing helps me release those feelings that I keep bottled up. When I am emotional and hurting, it is really hard for me to write about it at that time. Sometimes I wait years to write about something. I am in the process of putting my poetry together in a story format and will be writing about various topics in order to completely tell my story. I apologize if I say anything to offend anyone. I am telling you now if you don’t already know; I am going to be real and raw. Sit back and relax through my journey called life I also want to pray now for forgiveness about writing secular poetry. These are my experiences and mistakes that I have made, but I have to accept these things in order to move on with my life in the direction I need to be.
Much Love,
JStar
Monday, October 26, 2009
Pain
For years I longed for your love
I thought it was me you were proud of
Now I see your wife’s replacement, you were looking for
It wasn’t me you adored
I was a developing teen
My fears remained unseen
Day by day you tested the depths you would go
I was to keep quite so no one would know
Instead of teaching me who I am to be
A life time of uncertainty is now guaranteed
I left before it went any further
All this pain from my own father
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I thought it was me you were proud of
Now I see your wife’s replacement, you were looking for
It wasn’t me you adored
I was a developing teen
My fears remained unseen
Day by day you tested the depths you would go
I was to keep quite so no one would know
Instead of teaching me who I am to be
A life time of uncertainty is now guaranteed
I left before it went any further
All this pain from my own father
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Friday, October 23, 2009
Breathless
Everytime you walk into a room, I feel you
I feel the strength of our hearts pursuit
When I close my eyes, you are on my mind
Feelings take over and chills run up and down my spine
Yearning to feel you deep inside
Wanting to feel our passions fully collide
Craving to feel your kisses caressing me
From head to toe, setting me free
The depths of these feelings my hearts confessed
Thoughts of you leave me completely breathless...
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I feel the strength of our hearts pursuit
When I close my eyes, you are on my mind
Feelings take over and chills run up and down my spine
Yearning to feel you deep inside
Wanting to feel our passions fully collide
Craving to feel your kisses caressing me
From head to toe, setting me free
The depths of these feelings my hearts confessed
Thoughts of you leave me completely breathless...
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Letting Go
Analyzing my life, making choices
Listening to my inner voices
Finding my direction
Mirroring my life to my dreams reflection
Making previous impossibilities
My life's realities
Choosing who is in my surrounding
Making decisons that are profounding
Locating my creativity
Ridding any negativity
And anyone that is causing
My happiness is applauding
Letting go the cause of any pain
Letting go for my own personal gain
© copyright Tue Oct 22 6:55:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Listening to my inner voices
Finding my direction
Mirroring my life to my dreams reflection
Making previous impossibilities
My life's realities
Choosing who is in my surrounding
Making decisons that are profounding
Locating my creativity
Ridding any negativity
And anyone that is causing
My happiness is applauding
Letting go the cause of any pain
Letting go for my own personal gain
© copyright Tue Oct 22 6:55:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Deserve
I love you enough to let you go
I know my apprehension has clearly shown
Our personalities conflict
Future problems I can depict
I don’t think I can be the woman for you
Even though my feelings for you are true
I am not built for the sacrifice of your career
When I have to sleep alone, I shed tears
The distance is too hard for me
My loyalty I can no longer guarantee
A relationship should not be lonely
Even if I am your one and only
I need more than you could possibly give
This emptiness I do not want to relive
I need attention that you cannot produce
Future pain I do not want to induce
Although love has clouded my vision
My feelings are in a division
Our paths are going in opposite directions
Despite our hearts connection
I don’t want to hold your heart on reserve
My complete honesty you deserve
© copyright Tue Oct 22 7:05:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I know my apprehension has clearly shown
Our personalities conflict
Future problems I can depict
I don’t think I can be the woman for you
Even though my feelings for you are true
I am not built for the sacrifice of your career
When I have to sleep alone, I shed tears
The distance is too hard for me
My loyalty I can no longer guarantee
A relationship should not be lonely
Even if I am your one and only
I need more than you could possibly give
This emptiness I do not want to relive
I need attention that you cannot produce
Future pain I do not want to induce
Although love has clouded my vision
My feelings are in a division
Our paths are going in opposite directions
Despite our hearts connection
I don’t want to hold your heart on reserve
My complete honesty you deserve
© copyright Tue Oct 22 7:05:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Terrified
I thought I was dreaming when you spoke those words
Although our future goals are in accords
I am truly terrified to give my heart
This time I want to take my time and be smart
I want a true love that will stand the test of time
A love that’s real and sublime
I want to rest my fears upon your shoulders
With the key to my heart as you are the beholder
Hopefully a love like no other can grow
If I don’t give it a chance, how will I ever know
I have been waiting my lifetime for those words to be spoken
I just don’t want my heart to again be broken
I want to take things nice and slow
To allow your sincerity to clearly show
I hope that you are one I can truly confide
Just love me truthfully and help me get over being completely terrified
© copyright Tue Oct 20 7:10:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Although our future goals are in accords
I am truly terrified to give my heart
This time I want to take my time and be smart
I want a true love that will stand the test of time
A love that’s real and sublime
I want to rest my fears upon your shoulders
With the key to my heart as you are the beholder
Hopefully a love like no other can grow
If I don’t give it a chance, how will I ever know
I have been waiting my lifetime for those words to be spoken
I just don’t want my heart to again be broken
I want to take things nice and slow
To allow your sincerity to clearly show
I hope that you are one I can truly confide
Just love me truthfully and help me get over being completely terrified
© copyright Tue Oct 20 7:10:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, October 19, 2009
Homecoming
Rolling her long silky brown hair
Apply make up to prepare
For her junior homecoming
Looking at the woman she is becoming
Her dress hugging her curves
Hoping her future boyfriend treats her as she deserves
Her first time wearing heels
Knowing its excitement that she feels
Posing as a grown woman with such innocence
The young child I am watching transform I reminisce
She is preparing for the world not knowing all its horror
She will make mistakes as she explores
I am there to help her learn and teach her how to get back on her feet
Overcoming lies and deceit
She has only experienced her first heartbreak
Discovering so called friends can be fake
So much more to learn
Knowing she is smart and will make a man earn
His right to her heart
Giving her strength to overcome if or when they grow apart
It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers
Now it’s the tears falling down her cheeks I wipe
Wishing her more success than I experienced
Praying my mistakes have influenced
Her future decisions
I am sure that her life will be more than I can currently envision
My precious baby is no longer a child
I sent her off to her dance and within I smiled
© copyright Mon Oct 19 8:12:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Apply make up to prepare
For her junior homecoming
Looking at the woman she is becoming
Her dress hugging her curves
Hoping her future boyfriend treats her as she deserves
Her first time wearing heels
Knowing its excitement that she feels
Posing as a grown woman with such innocence
The young child I am watching transform I reminisce
She is preparing for the world not knowing all its horror
She will make mistakes as she explores
I am there to help her learn and teach her how to get back on her feet
Overcoming lies and deceit
She has only experienced her first heartbreak
Discovering so called friends can be fake
So much more to learn
Knowing she is smart and will make a man earn
His right to her heart
Giving her strength to overcome if or when they grow apart
It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers
Now it’s the tears falling down her cheeks I wipe
Wishing her more success than I experienced
Praying my mistakes have influenced
Her future decisions
I am sure that her life will be more than I can currently envision
My precious baby is no longer a child
I sent her off to her dance and within I smiled
© copyright Mon Oct 19 8:12:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wasted
Your sorrows are forgotten but still remain
Currently not driving you insane
Deep within they are bleeding
Giving power while misleading
Intoxicating your inner thoughts
Leaving you completely distraught
Even more confused
Ego continues to bruise
Drink after drink
Mind and heart no longer in sync
Puffing and passing
Memories still harassing
Too blasted to even care anymore
Feelings totally being ignored
Now able to sleep without nightmares
Victory declares
One more day concluded
Horrors eluded
But still slowly eating at your flesh
New problems continue to manifest
Nothing to look forward to
To the bottom of the bottle you subdue
Awake and start the routine again
Now your sanity totally depends
On these chemicals you’re using to set free
Still trashed with debris
Sobriety never again tasted
Lifeless life remains wasted
© copyright Thu Oct 15 8:11:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Currently not driving you insane
Deep within they are bleeding
Giving power while misleading
Intoxicating your inner thoughts
Leaving you completely distraught
Even more confused
Ego continues to bruise
Drink after drink
Mind and heart no longer in sync
Puffing and passing
Memories still harassing
Too blasted to even care anymore
Feelings totally being ignored
Now able to sleep without nightmares
Victory declares
One more day concluded
Horrors eluded
But still slowly eating at your flesh
New problems continue to manifest
Nothing to look forward to
To the bottom of the bottle you subdue
Awake and start the routine again
Now your sanity totally depends
On these chemicals you’re using to set free
Still trashed with debris
Sobriety never again tasted
Lifeless life remains wasted
© copyright Thu Oct 15 8:11:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Depression
Just sitting with a blank stare on my face
The pain inside just will not erase
While the world is moving at a fast pace around me
No one can hear my silent inner plea
Holding back tears from my eyes
The smile on my face is only a disguise
Hiding the emptiness felt inside
Feeling there is no one I can confide
No one else can understand what I am feeling
No one can help me through with what I am dealing
So overwhelming that I can no longer cry
But the pain I can no longer defy
Not wanting to ever get out of bed
Can’t stop the memories replaying in my head
Having no desire even to eat
Inside I feel totally incomplete
Forcing myself out only makes these feelings stronger
I feel as if I just can’t deal any longer
The only thing keeping me from ending it all
Is my daughters picking me up each time I fall
I can’t leave them here dealing with this world alone
So I fake it and leave my feelings postponed
All the while I feel as if they are eating me alive
Holding on just enough to survive
Pushing everyone close far away
Not wanting my feelings to display
Emotions are starting to numb
Death inside has already succumb
These words will be my only confession
I just don’t know how to get out of this deep depression
© copyright Tue Oct 13 7:31:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
The pain inside just will not erase
While the world is moving at a fast pace around me
No one can hear my silent inner plea
Holding back tears from my eyes
The smile on my face is only a disguise
Hiding the emptiness felt inside
Feeling there is no one I can confide
No one else can understand what I am feeling
No one can help me through with what I am dealing
So overwhelming that I can no longer cry
But the pain I can no longer defy
Not wanting to ever get out of bed
Can’t stop the memories replaying in my head
Having no desire even to eat
Inside I feel totally incomplete
Forcing myself out only makes these feelings stronger
I feel as if I just can’t deal any longer
The only thing keeping me from ending it all
Is my daughters picking me up each time I fall
I can’t leave them here dealing with this world alone
So I fake it and leave my feelings postponed
All the while I feel as if they are eating me alive
Holding on just enough to survive
Pushing everyone close far away
Not wanting my feelings to display
Emotions are starting to numb
Death inside has already succumb
These words will be my only confession
I just don’t know how to get out of this deep depression
© copyright Tue Oct 13 7:31:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, October 5, 2009
Crying...
Emotions felt deep enough to bruise
Mind erratic and confused
Knowing what I want and need
But allowing my heart to continuously bleed
Tears of blood fall from my eyes
Actions are not too far from my demise
Inside I am grieving
Suicidal thoughts conceiving
Fighting that inner struggle
Seeing reality is a constant juggle
Images flashing
Self torture rehashing
Attempting to stay above
And erase these thoughts of
Hurt and pain
Allowing inner happiness to reclaim
Finding that strength to compete
And stop focusing on deceit
© copyright Tue Oct 5 10:03:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Mind erratic and confused
Knowing what I want and need
But allowing my heart to continuously bleed
Tears of blood fall from my eyes
Actions are not too far from my demise
Inside I am grieving
Suicidal thoughts conceiving
Fighting that inner struggle
Seeing reality is a constant juggle
Images flashing
Self torture rehashing
Attempting to stay above
And erase these thoughts of
Hurt and pain
Allowing inner happiness to reclaim
Finding that strength to compete
And stop focusing on deceit
© copyright Tue Oct 5 10:03:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, September 21, 2009
Options Narrow
Life changing decisions to be made
Choosing the wrong one, I am so afraid
Just because we are feeling each other
Doesn’t mean that we are right for one another
I have very good options but not sure which is best
One does stand above all the rest
I just hope he is the right man for me
Not necessarily wanting him on bended knee
I just want something real
I want to release all this love inside that I feel
I want this to be a lifelong commitment
A love that’s consistent
The one man that I chose to share my soul
The one I turn to, to be consoled
I know that nothing in life is guaranteed
Just tired of wasting my time with those who mislead
Not rushing into anything, patience is key
I am curious if he can keep me happy
And give a relationship that will continue to excel
I will never know unless I try; only time can tell
© copyright Tue Sep 21 12:30:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Choosing the wrong one, I am so afraid
Just because we are feeling each other
Doesn’t mean that we are right for one another
I have very good options but not sure which is best
One does stand above all the rest
I just hope he is the right man for me
Not necessarily wanting him on bended knee
I just want something real
I want to release all this love inside that I feel
I want this to be a lifelong commitment
A love that’s consistent
The one man that I chose to share my soul
The one I turn to, to be consoled
I know that nothing in life is guaranteed
Just tired of wasting my time with those who mislead
Not rushing into anything, patience is key
I am curious if he can keep me happy
And give a relationship that will continue to excel
I will never know unless I try; only time can tell
© copyright Tue Sep 21 12:30:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Affects of AIDS
It all started with a cough that just wouldn’t go away
He still hadn’t even admitted he was gay
He felt sick every day, he knew something wasn’t quite right
He didn’t have the strength anymore to fight this fight
After confirmation, then came deep depression
His family finally heard his heartfelt confessions
Depression took over and consumed
His worst fears were a reality and no longer assumed
He gave up hope completely
He was grieving inside deeply
Seclusion was his first defense
Total lies his lover told were the greatest offense
He now needed assistance with mom's care
The pain was more than he could bare
His body was covered with a horrible rash
Continuously cursing at everyone, breaking moms heart with each lash
He didn’t have the energy to get out of bed
It caused extreme pain to even move his head
Thresh would build up in his throat causing him to choke
His only enjoyment was his coffee and to smoke
His friends didn’t understand and was scared to be around
Feelings of abandonment were profound
He lost so much weight that he looked like a skeleton covered with skin
He felt as if he were being punished for his sins
He refused his medication because he no longer wanted his life prolonged
This world he never felt as if he really belonged
He was always teased and tortured his entire childhood
It was obvious he was gay just by the way he stood
In his final days he told mom he saw God and that He needed him
He said that the flowers in His garden were so amazingly beautiful even down to the stems
But he didn’t want to leave his mother here
She told him his time to leave was near
She would miss him dearly but couldn’t stand to see him suffer another day
Saying good bye to her son, wasn’t easy finding the right words to say
Watching the constant torture was driving her insane
After three long years of suffering and pain
I knew he was gone at 5 am, as soon as I heard the phone ringing
It sounded just like the angel's were singing
He was now pain free and in a better place
Now life without him was not easy to face
© copyright Tue Aug 30 12:30:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
He still hadn’t even admitted he was gay
He felt sick every day, he knew something wasn’t quite right
He didn’t have the strength anymore to fight this fight
After confirmation, then came deep depression
His family finally heard his heartfelt confessions
Depression took over and consumed
His worst fears were a reality and no longer assumed
He gave up hope completely
He was grieving inside deeply
Seclusion was his first defense
Total lies his lover told were the greatest offense
He now needed assistance with mom's care
The pain was more than he could bare
His body was covered with a horrible rash
Continuously cursing at everyone, breaking moms heart with each lash
He didn’t have the energy to get out of bed
It caused extreme pain to even move his head
Thresh would build up in his throat causing him to choke
His only enjoyment was his coffee and to smoke
His friends didn’t understand and was scared to be around
Feelings of abandonment were profound
He lost so much weight that he looked like a skeleton covered with skin
He felt as if he were being punished for his sins
He refused his medication because he no longer wanted his life prolonged
This world he never felt as if he really belonged
He was always teased and tortured his entire childhood
It was obvious he was gay just by the way he stood
In his final days he told mom he saw God and that He needed him
He said that the flowers in His garden were so amazingly beautiful even down to the stems
But he didn’t want to leave his mother here
She told him his time to leave was near
She would miss him dearly but couldn’t stand to see him suffer another day
Saying good bye to her son, wasn’t easy finding the right words to say
Watching the constant torture was driving her insane
After three long years of suffering and pain
I knew he was gone at 5 am, as soon as I heard the phone ringing
It sounded just like the angel's were singing
He was now pain free and in a better place
Now life without him was not easy to face
© copyright Tue Aug 30 12:30:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Why I write...
I write to release withheld emotions
In attempts to make sense of the inner commotion
While sharing my life’s experiences
I am hoping to make a difference
Trying to shed light
In battling that intimate fight
Showing my current resolution
With possibilities of an exclusive evolution
Sharing my joy and pain
Although the feelings still remain
It is now easier to withstand
With clear thoughts I am now able to understand
And move past anything that comes my way
First of all thanking God for my gift to convey
© copyright Tue Aug 26 10:49:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
In attempts to make sense of the inner commotion
While sharing my life’s experiences
I am hoping to make a difference
Trying to shed light
In battling that intimate fight
Showing my current resolution
With possibilities of an exclusive evolution
Sharing my joy and pain
Although the feelings still remain
It is now easier to withstand
With clear thoughts I am now able to understand
And move past anything that comes my way
First of all thanking God for my gift to convey
© copyright Tue Aug 26 10:49:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
AIDS
Aids took over and totally consumed his body
Causing him constant immeasurable pain
The pain was so great that he pushed away everybody
Until he was unable to maintain
He was no longer the brother I once knew
He had only himself to blame
This is the brother that taught me how to tie my shoes
He tortured himself in shame
He was scared to die but it was now a reality
All he wanted was to be loved
And now he was paying for his sexuality
He died feeling completely unloved
Except from his family and the people who really mattered
My mom had to watch her son slowly wither away
Her world was forever shattered
His death affected everyone around
I not only lost my brother but my best friend
Even though 13 years has passed, his presence still surrounds
The sorrow of missing him will never end
The memories I will never forget
The good and bad times I will always cherish
There is not a moment of regret
I still can’t believe his life on earth has been perished
I will hold his love in my heart forever
And the lessons he taught
His son never really knew his father however
His battle on earth has been fought
© copyright Tue Aug 26 7:54:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Causing him constant immeasurable pain
The pain was so great that he pushed away everybody
Until he was unable to maintain
He was no longer the brother I once knew
He had only himself to blame
This is the brother that taught me how to tie my shoes
He tortured himself in shame
He was scared to die but it was now a reality
All he wanted was to be loved
And now he was paying for his sexuality
He died feeling completely unloved
Except from his family and the people who really mattered
My mom had to watch her son slowly wither away
Her world was forever shattered
His death affected everyone around
I not only lost my brother but my best friend
Even though 13 years has passed, his presence still surrounds
The sorrow of missing him will never end
The memories I will never forget
The good and bad times I will always cherish
There is not a moment of regret
I still can’t believe his life on earth has been perished
I will hold his love in my heart forever
And the lessons he taught
His son never really knew his father however
His battle on earth has been fought
© copyright Tue Aug 26 7:54:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Moments Passing
Moments passing me by
Watching the clouds form shapes in the sky
Mind completely out of reach
Watching the waves splash onto the beach
Children building castles in the sand
Couples walking hand in hand
Just relaxing, thoughts continuously surging
Feelings slowly emerging
Slight jealously stirring inside
Dreaming of the one man I could confide
Loving me relentlessly for who I truly am to be
Seeing the true beauty within me
But since there is no man who is deserving
I am here peacefully observing
The world and all of its elegance
Mind focused and in a constant trance
Enjoying what life brings my way
Thanking God each day as I pray
© copyright Tue Aug 25 8:36:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Watching the clouds form shapes in the sky
Mind completely out of reach
Watching the waves splash onto the beach
Children building castles in the sand
Couples walking hand in hand
Just relaxing, thoughts continuously surging
Feelings slowly emerging
Slight jealously stirring inside
Dreaming of the one man I could confide
Loving me relentlessly for who I truly am to be
Seeing the true beauty within me
But since there is no man who is deserving
I am here peacefully observing
The world and all of its elegance
Mind focused and in a constant trance
Enjoying what life brings my way
Thanking God each day as I pray
© copyright Tue Aug 25 8:36:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, August 17, 2009
Stalker
I don’t know why some people can’t take no for an answer
I guess the thrill of the chase is the enhancer
You’re not man enough for me
I don’t care how much you beg and plea
Will you just leave me alone
Your reasons are unknown
Haven’t you hurt me enough
My road is already tough
With the hurt you already put me through
Now you’re sabotaging my happiness with your untruths
You didn’t treat me right when you had me
The abuse was a guarantee
That you will never have my heart
I wish your existence in my life would depart
Why can’t you just let me go
I don’t want you, you already know
Let me live my life in peace
And allow all this pain inside to release
From you, I just want to be free
Will you please stop stalking me
© copyright Tue Aug 17 7:11:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
I guess the thrill of the chase is the enhancer
You’re not man enough for me
I don’t care how much you beg and plea
Will you just leave me alone
Your reasons are unknown
Haven’t you hurt me enough
My road is already tough
With the hurt you already put me through
Now you’re sabotaging my happiness with your untruths
You didn’t treat me right when you had me
The abuse was a guarantee
That you will never have my heart
I wish your existence in my life would depart
Why can’t you just let me go
I don’t want you, you already know
Let me live my life in peace
And allow all this pain inside to release
From you, I just want to be free
Will you please stop stalking me
© copyright Tue Aug 17 7:11:00 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Impaired
Thoughts consuming my mind
Memories always remind
Of pain and grief
My heart stolen like a thief
Only to be hurt every time
Even after the wedding bells chimed
Every man I have ever given my heart to
Expected me to subdue
And accept treatment given
The torment cannot be forgiven
I am trying to forgive myself
And put this pain up on the shelf
But I am still unable to give my all
It’s only the nightmares I recall
Too scared to let the right one in
Can’t shake my feelings within
Blocking my future blessings
Constantly depressing
In a state of seclusion
Continuous confusion
Will I ever find inner peace
And allow the love inside to release
To the one deserving of my heart
Will this pain ever depart
Having faith in my belief
Praying for absolute relief
I feel broken and hopelessly in despair
I have declared myself love impaired
© copyright Tue Aug 11 8:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Memories always remind
Of pain and grief
My heart stolen like a thief
Only to be hurt every time
Even after the wedding bells chimed
Every man I have ever given my heart to
Expected me to subdue
And accept treatment given
The torment cannot be forgiven
I am trying to forgive myself
And put this pain up on the shelf
But I am still unable to give my all
It’s only the nightmares I recall
Too scared to let the right one in
Can’t shake my feelings within
Blocking my future blessings
Constantly depressing
In a state of seclusion
Continuous confusion
Will I ever find inner peace
And allow the love inside to release
To the one deserving of my heart
Will this pain ever depart
Having faith in my belief
Praying for absolute relief
I feel broken and hopelessly in despair
I have declared myself love impaired
© copyright Tue Aug 11 8:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Monday, August 10, 2009
Rain
Tears drops staining my cheeks
Just hearing the words as he speaks
He is giving up and can’t take no more
My issues he can no longer ignore
I know I am not easy to love
My insecurities stood way above
I constantly pushed him away
Not sure if he was to betray
I just couldn’t let him in
I didn’t even allow us to begin
The truth was that he already had my heart
From the very start
I didn’t want him to take advantage
I don’t know how I am going to manage
No desire to move on
Feeling neglected and withdrawn
I love him more than I could show
Now he will never know
Freeing myself of this inner pain
My soul is cleansing with each drop of rain
© copyright Tue Aug 06 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Just hearing the words as he speaks
He is giving up and can’t take no more
My issues he can no longer ignore
I know I am not easy to love
My insecurities stood way above
I constantly pushed him away
Not sure if he was to betray
I just couldn’t let him in
I didn’t even allow us to begin
The truth was that he already had my heart
From the very start
I didn’t want him to take advantage
I don’t know how I am going to manage
No desire to move on
Feeling neglected and withdrawn
I love him more than I could show
Now he will never know
Freeing myself of this inner pain
My soul is cleansing with each drop of rain
© copyright Tue Aug 06 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Missing your Love
It’s the soft, slow kisses on my neck I miss
Sending me into a total state of bliss
Making love felt like we were the only two in existence
Continuously pleasing me with strong persistence
Watching the sun set with the light of the moon reflecting off of the waves
Its only you I endlessly crave
Driving for hours with strong anticipation
To relieve all of my sexual frustration
Just being in your presence
Feeling your essence
Was all I ever needed
But my insecurities interceded
Being unable to trust I ruined “us”
And any chances we had of success
But I can’t stop feeling the pain
Now only missing your touch remains
Missing the sound of your voice
The way you made my heart rejoice
Inside and out the way you made me feel
My true feelings I can no longer conceal
I am missing your love
And the lack thereof
© copyright Tue Aug 06 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Sending me into a total state of bliss
Making love felt like we were the only two in existence
Continuously pleasing me with strong persistence
Watching the sun set with the light of the moon reflecting off of the waves
Its only you I endlessly crave
Driving for hours with strong anticipation
To relieve all of my sexual frustration
Just being in your presence
Feeling your essence
Was all I ever needed
But my insecurities interceded
Being unable to trust I ruined “us”
And any chances we had of success
But I can’t stop feeling the pain
Now only missing your touch remains
Missing the sound of your voice
The way you made my heart rejoice
Inside and out the way you made me feel
My true feelings I can no longer conceal
I am missing your love
And the lack thereof
© copyright Tue Aug 06 10:20:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Mesmerized
Just the mere thought of you gives me cold chills
Complete satisfaction you continually instill
The things you do cannot be truly defined
You make love to my entire body as well as my mind
I consume the love your body dispenses
You leave me open and defenseless
Your passion secures
Your confidence assures
I was once too scared to give in
Because of the way you make my head spin
But now I am tired of fleeing
I want to embody the love that I have been seeking
There is no other man on this earth that can suffice
No other man that can entice
Emotions erratic, nothing left to analyze
In a state of shock, you leave me mesmerized
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Complete satisfaction you continually instill
The things you do cannot be truly defined
You make love to my entire body as well as my mind
I consume the love your body dispenses
You leave me open and defenseless
Your passion secures
Your confidence assures
I was once too scared to give in
Because of the way you make my head spin
But now I am tired of fleeing
I want to embody the love that I have been seeking
There is no other man on this earth that can suffice
No other man that can entice
Emotions erratic, nothing left to analyze
In a state of shock, you leave me mesmerized
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Rainbow
Life continuously throws us down bumpy roads
Pain takes over and implodes
We make mistakes over and over again
But we have to know when to say when
Learn how to overcome
Not allowing ourselves to succumb
To drama and dismay
Never being led astray
Once the rain clears
The beautiful rainbow appears
Note: This poem was inspired by my daughter Tanaesha, she came up with "No Rain, No Rainbow" This poem is to explain her phrase's purpose...
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Pain takes over and implodes
We make mistakes over and over again
But we have to know when to say when
Learn how to overcome
Not allowing ourselves to succumb
To drama and dismay
Never being led astray
Once the rain clears
The beautiful rainbow appears
Note: This poem was inspired by my daughter Tanaesha, she came up with "No Rain, No Rainbow" This poem is to explain her phrase's purpose...
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Trust
I have learned a lot in my lifetime
And ready to learn more as I continue to climb
I have literally been through hell and back
Constantly fighting away the devils attack
Each day as I pray for relief
I am learning to have confidence in my belief
That He will carry me when I cannot walk
Knowing that He will be my voice when I am unable to talk
Discovering the path that He is leading me toward
Opening doors that were once ignored
Exploring my own inner happiness
He completely fulfills leaving no room for emptiness
Giving God my everlasting trust
Allowing Him to correct the unjust
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
And ready to learn more as I continue to climb
I have literally been through hell and back
Constantly fighting away the devils attack
Each day as I pray for relief
I am learning to have confidence in my belief
That He will carry me when I cannot walk
Knowing that He will be my voice when I am unable to talk
Discovering the path that He is leading me toward
Opening doors that were once ignored
Exploring my own inner happiness
He completely fulfills leaving no room for emptiness
Giving God my everlasting trust
Allowing Him to correct the unjust
© copyright Tue Aug 04 17:55:19 UTC 2009 - All Rights Reserved
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